4 Dogs an Old Cat and Me!

Curious?

2011-03-04T07:44:00.000-06:00

I have so super failed my following! I know, not all of you have a facebook page so I will try to be better about posting!

Super busing re-launching After The Proposal Weddings & Events. Yes, I did change the name.. Since I plan more then just weddings I thought it was fitting.

Opened an Office & "Bridal Lounge"! Last week was my grand opening & party. Of course I over did it and bit off more then I could chew. Would you expect anything less from me? I will post some pictures..

Producing the Dillard's Department Store Bridal Show! Romance & Sparkle is the theme.. Pink is the color... Takes place on Sunday April 3rd.. It's been a long time since I put a show together, but seems to be coming along. (Again I promise to post some picture here after the event)

March is already a busy month! Mardi Gras is almost over and gearing up for dad's 80th birthday party on the 19th! Dad has 7 children and 3 are flying out for the party. Of course I am hosting the party so count me in as well... Wish all the siblings could be here but you know the old saying, they are busy. My thought is to have a balance of life. Don't miss out on events like this because the will never take place again....

OK on another note... Sam is doing well at LSU (I think, it's a don't ask don't tell agreement)!!! Sam is a junior this year, one more to go and the USMC gets to take over his life..... (And no he is not gay, the don't ask don't tell is in reference to his grades)

I have not seen Sara in over a year! Long & sad story, but it looks like it might have a happy ending. Hope to have her this summer for a few weeks. Can you believe she is going to be 14 this year?

Puppies are still rotten but good.. The old cat (aka Beanie) is still alive and old...

I am doing well.. Wearing my happy hat every day and making up for the past 3 years I did not work!

Hope all is well in your world....

Jean

Understanding Derivatives

2011-01-31T08:06:00.000-06:00

Understanding Derivatives

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later..

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These securities then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?

Another American Family Mourns

2011-01-12T07:20:00.000-06:00

You Know Him Now

He’ll die before he’ll yield,

And never would he leave

A comrade on the field,

With family left to grieve.

He’ll volunteer to go

Where you would shake in fear.

The cost you’ll never know

In blood and sweat and tears.

He’ll do the needful thing,

This blade both cold and keen,

This eagle on the wing—

You know him now: Marine.

Dennis in Kenya

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-26T16:56:00.002-06:00

Flowers, food, family! It was a good day is all I can say… But you know the drift, cook for two days, eat, clean up, and everyone leaves. So here I sit on Friday alone, well my dogs and cat are here with me so I am really never alone. I gave all the left overs away, as well as the homemade red velvet cake to my neighbors just a few minutes ago. No need to keep it, it will just end up in the trash. Next year I think I may not have Thanksgiving at my house. Times are a changing!

It seems like as time goes by, everyone moves in different directions. Family is spread out all over the states now, and some I no longer have contact with. Sam is busy with school, girlfriend and friends. Sara is in California and not sure if her mom will ever let her come back to MS. Most friends have husbands and children so they are busy with their families. My sister Terry he flew out from CA this week and said next year I should do the Eat, Pray, Love thing and travel. New experiences, new places, new friends! She left this morning to head home.

I now know how my birth mom felt when she lived alone and her daughters didn’t come to visit very often. We were always so busy even though we lived within 10 minutes of each other. Amazing that what goes around, comes around. I am very sorry for not being a better daughter….

We like to think we have years to pursue our goals and make a difference in the world. But we just don’t know. Slow down, enjoy every day, and love the ones you love with all that you have!

Jean

My Sister Terry, My Dad & Me!

RIP my Abby Rose, you are missed and loved so very much! 6/08-11/10

Memories Never Gone

2010-11-19T07:23:00.000-06:00

You were in a really dark place

And just couldn’t feel the light.

My heart continued to break,

Reaching for you that horrible night.

In 2009 we gathered in our town

This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd.

Oh why, that’s what I am asking

Was there anything more I could have done?

Now in my mind I keep you frozen

Memories never gone.

The oak trees a swaying in the breeze

The sun was shining on my face.

They said it would rain

But they were wrong

There’s no way you would let it dampen the day.

There’s no comprehending,

Who am I to judge?

But I do have one burning question

Who told you it was time to go?

They say God works in misterious ways,

But I question his judgment

And the lessons to learn.

Now you’re gone and I cry so very often,

Life doesn’t seem fair, but what are the options?

I must follow the Lord and his ways,

But in my heart you will always stay…

One day we will meet

And I know you’ll be there,

Waiting on that bench

With your heart full of cheer.

My time has not come

To depart this big world

So many to take care of

My jobs not done here.

But soon my love

We will again unite

And our family will become one

In Gods loving light!

To My Husband & Love

Dennis A. McGrury Jr.

The Beginning

2010-11-02T10:08:00.001-05:00

I don’t remember much about my childhood, the time when I was a small child I should say. It’s like a power point presentation in my head. Do you think I blocked my memories for a reason?

My parents moved to Alaska when I was 6 months old. My first memory is the earthquake in 1964; I was sitting in my small rocking chair my grandpa had built and watching black and white TV. My mom was trying to stop things from falling over and I remember the goldfish lying on the floor. I had no idea what happened.

Black out: Next Memory

Going with my dad to look at the new house he was having built for us. The builder had a cat, not a house cat but a loin, or was it a tiger? Could have been a cougar, I have no idea other than it was a baby and I was entranced with it. There was a big rock I sat on in the yard and watched the cat, my dad and the big house that was soon to be ours.

Black out:

I was living in the new house and my bedroom was upstairs next to my parent’s room. My sister’s rooms were in the unfinished basement. I hated going down there because the evil spirit lived under the staircase. Why do I think that? Because one day I was down there playing with my pink cardboard kitchen and we had an earthquake. I ran up to the kitchen because I was afraid and my mom told me it was the devil trying to get me. From that day on I never went down alone, one of my sisters always had to come with me. Was I a bad girl for my mom to say that? Or was she just crazy? Up until I was 16 and my dad and stepmom sold the house I always believed that an evil spirit, devil, whatever it was, lived in the basement and I would always have the scariest dreams! That’s a whole new chapter I will have to write about.

Black out:

I am walking to first grade in the snow and my winter pants are making that swish, swish noise. The school was in the neighborhood, not far but it seemed like a million miles away. I don’t remember walking with my older sisters or with my mom, just me walking alone. That’s when I met Suzette. My fondest memories of my childhood was being friends with her, ice skating on the pond we would shovel the snow off, snowmobile riding with her brothers out on the tundra, walking to school and stopping at her house and getting warm cinnamon sugar toast, cross country skiing, sledding, making tunnels in the snow in my front yard, the pictures in my mind are starting to flash again. Memories flowing like a stream in my head, good memories and I am happy right now.

Good Friday Earthquake 1964, Downtown Anchorage

Change

2010-11-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

It's time to make a few changes. One is to the title of my blog, as it doesn't relate to the McGrury family anymore. It's about me, Jean, my life, stories, sadness, happiness, change, relationships, and anything else I feel like blogging.

It's funny what life hands you and how it is handled. People come and go, and some you wish would just go away but they keep lingering... I have made some wonderful choices and some very bad ones through the past 49 years. I am tired and have decided to rid myself of the toxic that surrounds me. I have always thought of myself as a bigger person, strong, witty, smart, but we all make mistakes and sometimes it comes back to hit you smack dab in the middle of your face.

I'm sure you all get tired from time to time with the emotional, drama, crap that comes with living... I know I sure do. How to handle it all is another very good question. I am only human of course, I have feelings and will make mistakes, right?

Today is Monday, the first of November. The holidays are almost upon us and I am looking forward to them. I am never alone, I have wonderful friends and my family the Bodwin's are always ready to rally around me... I am blessed to have such a wonderful loving family who does not judge and friends who are in abundance and so very, very grateful for them....

And of course I have 4 dogs and an old cat and me!

Big Dipper and Suzette!

2010-10-02T05:39:00.000-05:00

Random Thoughts

I believe I was 6 years old when I first met Sue, (aka Suzette). I am sure my memories of our first meeting differ, but regardless she has been my best friend from day one. We must have been 6 years old and to think we are both turning 50 and still best friends. Seems like a million years ago yet just yesterday, so many fond memories.

When my parents divorced in 1971 we moved from Alaska to California. I was lucky enough to still be able to spend my summers in Alaska growing up with my dad. I remember pulling up to the house and there would be Suzette sitting on the front stoop… don’t get me wrong I was happy to see my dad but my main focus was if Sue would be there when I got home.

One of the saddest days of my life was the summer after 9th grade when we pulled up and no Suzette. Of course I went down to her house and found out that her parents had shipped her off to Idaho to spend the summer there with family. No, she didn’t do anything bad other than dating an older guy and her parents didn’t like the relationship. That was one of the saddest summers of my life.

You see Suzette and I didn’t talk all the time back then, no internet and long distance calling was expensive. We would write letters once in a while. But it didn’t matter because after the school year we would just pick up like we had just seen each other yesterday. But we always knew that we could look up into the sky and be looking at the same thing. My look was always the big and little dipper because Suzette showed me where to find them. The world didn’t seem as big looking at the stars.

So this morning I was up early and looked up into the sky and saw the big dipper and thought of my best friend and how we have been friends for 44 years! I love you Suzette, you and your daughters are my family and I can’t wait to see you in Hawaii for your birthday! Here’s to another 44 years of friendship!

Love you!

Bean

Suzette and I in Destin Florida a few years ago!

4 Dogs and Old Cat and Me!

2010-09-16T07:53:00.000-05:00

I think that if I was going to write a book that would be the title! What I would write about I do not know, guess what ever comes to mind.

Woke up at 2:45 am with so much on my mind and no way to sort it all. So I got up, made coffee, played with the dogs outside, loved on my old cat Beanie and tried to clear my head. Then it came to me! That's what I have, 4 dogs and an old cat. If it wasn't for them I just don't know what I would do. It really gets lonely at times and when I am feeling down they surround me with unconditional love. A love I hope everyone has enjoyed from time to time. Of course it's not like the love I shared with Dennis but it fills an empty space in my heart.

I heard a joke about a year ago which goes something like this. If you lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour, who would be happy to see you when you let them out? Your dog of course... Unconditional Love is what it's all about don't you think?

Two years ago I had 4 dogs and 3 old cats! I was so overwhelmed with taking care of them, and Dennis as well. He just loved his pets and they loved him. I remember thinking "Why the hell do you have all these animals"? I had to stop taking Dennis to the breeder when her dogs would have a new litter because every time Dennis would put a puppy in the car and off we would go, home to a full house. Hey what's one more dog?

But now I think maybe Dennis knew something that I didn't. Or God had a plan and knew that I would be alone soon and wanted to give me comfort?

Either way I still feel loved! What a true blessing Emma Jo, Mac Ryan, Gunner Luke, Abby Rose and Beanie (the old cat) are to me....

My wish for you is to feel loved today,

Jean

A Year Ago Today!

2010-09-09T07:33:00.000-05:00

A year ago today I lost my husband, soul mate, best friend, hero and the best companion any women could ask for, Dennis A. McGrury, Jr.! Sometimes it seems like yesterday I was with Dennis, yet it seems like a hundred years ago! Does that make sense? I just can’t explain what I mean, maybe because Dennis was alive but he really wasn’t!

I sit here and tons of happy memories come to mind. How silly he was, yet how stern he could be with his Marines. How Dennis would skip through Disneyland with Sara and then take Sam out shooting. He was a man with many great qualities.

Dennis was my hero; he always knew what to do and how to make me feel so special. I used to get so mad at him when he would grab my fanny in public, he would laugh and then give me a hug. What I wouldn’t do to have him grab me today. I miss so many things about him, his contagious laugh and smile, the way he would dance around the house, the way he would always hold my hand, oh and how I miss him vacuuming the house. (We must have gone through 2 vacuums a year; he was just like his mom!!!)

Memories, yes I have so many… I am sure y’all do as well.

Take a few minutes today to remember Dennis and a few minutes more to let your loved ones know that you love them. All it takes is a small 4 letter word, a hug, a kiss or a phone call.

Rest in peace my love, till we meet again I will always have you in my heart!!!

Ta Ta For Now!

(This was the way Dennis would say goodbye, Sara wanted me to put TTFN on his headstone. Wish I would have now…)

As I always preach, love the ones you love with all that you have..

Love, happiness and peace,

Jean

Dennis & Patches

Let me just clear the air!

2010-08-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

I really want to clear up the misconception that I am angry. Sure life has thrown me more than my share of curve balls, but I am not angry. What do I have to be angry about? Yes, my husband died but I just think of the wonderful 8 years I got to spend with him. I would not change it for anything in the world. I don’t sit at home everyday wallowing in self pity. It won’t bring Dennis back so I am living my life. Dennis is waiting for me on the other side and I will see him again one day. Dennis and I had our conversation about what we would each do if we lost each other. So I feel safe in my decision to move on and live life to its fullest.

I am a positive person and try to look for the best in everything. I will not and cannot use my husband’s death as a reason to be angry, depressed, feel sorry for myself and have anyone feel sorry for me. It is not an excuse to blame any of my problems or as I like to say hurdles in my life on his death. I have always over come obstacles in my way.

Some of you have known me from my youth, my 20’s, my 30’s, and then some of you met me in my 40’s. For those who have know me the longest then you know about my past and what I have had to overcome. How many times I have had to regroup and start a new chapter. Well this is another new chapter.

I love Dennis and always will. But his death does not stop me from living and I won’t dishonor his death in that way.

So again I am not angry or bitter. I feel blessed to have been with Dennis for the time that God allowed him into my life. He was a wonderful Marine, husband, father, son, brother and friend. He served his country bravely, he loved what he did and did what he loved. And if given the chance he would do it all over again, the funny thing is I would support him 100%.

Please don’t feel sorry for me. If I lived thinking about my past how would I have any kind of future?

What a bright new future it will be!

Love y’all,

Jean

If I could have just one more moment!

2010-07-24T20:48:00.001-05:00

Sitting here tonight just wishing I could have one more moment with Dennis. I just miss him so much tonight. One last kiss, one last hug, one last, I love you! Maybe it's because it's coming up on the anniversary of his death and I am feeling the loss. Not sure, but all I can say is my life feels so empty without him. A day doesn’t go by where I don't have a memory. Will that ever change? Do I want it to? Maybe someday it will get easier, or what's the word... fainter? Does that make sense?

I almost got out his love letters to me and the video of our wedding but really think it’s a bad idea to wallow in my loss and pain. So like the past, I am writing it down on my blog. Maybe it will help someone else to remember to love the one you love. To cherish every day. To realize that life can be so short. To enjoy the time. Don’t stress about the little things and to remember that every couple fights, but the making up is awesome. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. Dennis always said and I quote “It is what it is”…..

With that I leave you with, love the one you love with all that you have!

Leaving for Iraq

Corpsman War Memorial

2010-06-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

Dennis loved his corpsmen, you know who you are!

The Unspoken Bond

Donated to the U.S. Navy

The National Naval Medical Center, Bethesda, Md., unveiled its Unspoken Bond' sculpture on Sept. 2 depicting the bond between Navy corpsmen and the Marine forces with whom they serve.

The statue, showing a Navy corpsman dragging a World War II Marine to safety, was the result of a unique collaboration between Canadian sculptor Peter Wilde and Mr. William H. Laing, who commissioned the piece.

Mr. Laing, a former Navy pharmacist's mate who served in the Pacific during World War II and who took part in the campaign for Guadalcanal, commissioned the statue because there were no such commemorations of corpsmen in Washington, D.C.

The statue's inscription reads: "This memorial is dedicated to the hospital corpsmen who served with the Marines in the Pacific during World War II. 'Doc' was that special comrade who pulled them to safety, patched their wounds and shared their foxholes. Established in war and ennobled in peace, this bond will always endure."

"This is a fitting tribute to a forgotten group of men who saved at least 97 percent of the wounded in the Pacific," Laing said. "It is a long overdue tribute to a group of people whose aim was not killing but saving lives."

Keynote speaker Marine Corps Lt. Gen. George R. Christmas, deputy chief of staff for Manpower and Reserve Affairs, Headquarters Marine Corps, said to nearly 400 visitors, "I stand before you today because of Navy medicine." Christmas received the Navy Cross when he was seriously wounded during the 1968 Tet Offensive in the Battle for Hue City.

"I stand before you because of the physical embrace corpsmen bring to the battlefield. From us who serve today and those who served in the past, I salute you, the Navy corpsman," said Christmas. "And someday again the call will go out, `Corpsman Up!' and once again, we as a nation, must be prepared to do what corpsmen have done since 1775."

This Memorial is on permanent display in the lobby of National Naval Medical Center, Bethesda, Maryland.

Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Lost

2010-06-11T19:05:00.001-05:00

Feeling a little lost tonight! Trying to look into the next week and month that will be busy. Friends coming into town which will brighten up my life. I guess the weekends are always the hardest because I have so much down time. I am the crazy one who looks forward to Mondays!!!!! The weather here has been wonderful, love the warm weather. Maybe I will just go to the beach tomorrow and enjoy the sand!

Love y'all,

Jean

I love you Dennis and miss you even more...... One day, the other side!

Rainy Sunday

2010-05-16T07:49:00.001-05:00

Sunday morning and we are having a thunder storm. It’s been raining all night with lightening as well. All the dogs are on the couch with me, big babies! I don’t blame them. When we first moved to MS Dennis was still active duty in CA so he was only here for a month to get me settled. My first big storm I called him every 5 minutes and told him I wanted to move back to CA! Now after 5 years I can sleep right through them.

So I sit here this morning thinking. So much goes through my mind at times it drives me crazy. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my Dennis. I think I am past the angry stage of him dying and leaving me alone. Now I think of all the good times we had. And of course I wish there had been more…

Sam is done with his sophomore year at LSU. He is in NOLA this weekend at his cousin’s bachelor party. Should be home sometime today. Next weekend he heads to Morocco. School related and a good percentage is being paid for. He will be gone a month, home for a week then off to Mountain warfare school with the NROTC. Busy summer for Sam.

Sara will be here for 3 weeks this summer. She does not finish school until the end of June. I am afraid the time will go by way to fast but happy she will be coming. Sara will be going to a volleyball camp in CA for most of the summer in CA. My little athlete, go Sara!

I am planning a few trips this summer if everything works out. A long weekend at the end of July to CA, then off to Maui at the end of October for Suzette's 50th birthday.

I will end now with this;

Only as high as I can reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.

Not a moment...

2010-05-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

Not a moment goes by that I don't think of Dennis, I miss my love. Good days and bad he helps me through my day... I am happy with myself for not selling this house and moving. The good memories here outlast the bad. There are times when I wish I could go back and change things. The times I was angry with Dennis, frustrated with his illness. The times I was feeling sorry for myself. I would go back and be kinder, hold him more, be less angry and more understanding. Please don't have these regrets in your life. Live, Love, Laugh!!!!

When I am feeling down it always seems a song will come on the radio and it will be a song that takes me to Dennis and I just know it is his sign to me that he will always be here and that he loves me....

Until I see you again my Love....I miss you!

Laguna Beach, CA 2005

LIFE

2010-04-19T17:05:00.000-05:00

I have not posted anything in a long time, so here goes.

It’s been a rough & good past few months, I have lived and learned. I decided to dive back into life head first and so far so good! Can’t even begin to tell you what is going through my mind, haven’t sorted it out yet.

I have been so blessed with family and friends, who have supported me, stood by me, encouraged me, and said nothing but just listened. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Every day I wake up and say it’s a new day, make it a good one and I try so very hard to listen to my inner voice.

Have you noticed all the I, I, I? Well I guess this blog is now all about me, so suck it up buttercup!

So many changes but still taking it one baby step at a time. Learning how to walk in life is not all that easy. I have always been a social person and it’s been amazing how much I have been fitting that back into my life and it feels good.

Looking forward to summer, I do so much better in warm weather. Hoping Sam will come home this weekend for my birthday. Sent an invite out to friends hoping to go out on Saturday night to celebrate, not for my birthday but just life in general! Sara will be here at the end of June for a few weeks, thinking about her being here just feels my heart with joy. I know her friends in the neighborhood can’t wait to see her. Life in the house is such a wonderful thing. I don’t even want to think about her leaving so I will enjoy the time I have with her…

OK I got out the feelings I can feel right now, much better for the release of thoughts and emotions. Y’all should try it sometime….

As Elena Alm always says and I quote,

“Peace”

Jean

Retirement DVD

2010-03-31T08:20:00.001-05:00

I thought it was missing all these years but found it last night. The DVD of Dennis' retirement from the USMC, 2/5. It was so good to see my Dennis again and hear his voice. I will try to download and attach it to my blog. Or if you want a copy send me your addreaa to mcgrury@gmail.con amd I will burn you one and mail it out.

Amazing how much he loved the Corps.....

For Suzette

2010-03-24T07:25:00.001-05:00

How can one explain the feeling in the air?
How can one explain a feeling very rare?
How can one define a person always there?
One who says “no matter what I care”.
A lot of times I think of this when I am feeling down,
And by the time that I am through, high spirits come around.

Even words from an Angel’s tongue are limited, this is true.

No words can explain the kind of friend like you!

Thanks for always being there Sue.
I love you....
Bean

For Sara

2010-03-17T13:13:00.005-05:00

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'She heard a boy call out.

'She probably doesn't have one,' another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,

'Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart

I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere there in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love, of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.

You see he is a Marine and died just this past year,

He was injured in Iraq, fighting so America would not fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.'

And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.

And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,' to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

Until eternity Sara your daddy will always love you and never be far.....

The Gift

2010-03-09T16:17:00.002-06:00

I was going through tons of old paperwork and came across a card a very dear friend of mine, Michelle wrote to me in December of 1991. Just wanted to share with you!

The Gift

There is a gift in who you are…

And what and why and where
There is a gift in everything
Just know it’s always there.

It may not hide you from your past,
Nor alter what has been,
But knowing that there is a gift
Will help create a win.

The thing you think that holds you down
Can really be a lift.
Just choose a different point of view
And recognize your gift.

And what you’ll find when this comes clear…
And all your searching done,
The truth behind the lesson is…

Your gift and you are one!

xoxo Jean

Remember Me

2010-03-05T19:49:00.000-06:00

Remember me when the flowers bloom

Early in the spring
Remember me on sunny days
In the fun that summer brings

Remember me in the fall
As you walk through the leaves of gold
And in the wintertime - remember me
In the stories that are told

But most of all remember me
Each day - right from the start
I will be forever near
For I live within your heart

Forever?

2010-03-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

It was suppose to be you and me forever Dennis! I am sitting on the couch just remembering my past and how much I love my husband, Dennis. I was asked tonight if I socialize at all and what I do with my nights. I'm like, wow my dogs engulf my life and they are who I spend every night with. I really don’t know what I would do without them. I have friends yes, they may not be here in person but always a phone call or a text message away. As for friends here in Mississippi, I have many but our lives are all complicated and busy. I do know that they are always close if I need them.

There comes a time in our lives that we have to understand certain things. My friends here are married, have children and work. But I am so grateful. I am also blessed with friends around the world. I may not see them in person, but they are there for me.

But I am still sad for the loss of the love of my life, Dennis. He promised me forever but who can measure forever? He gave me the time he had left in this world and nothing more. So the purpose of this entry is this, you never know how long forever is. So love who you love with all that you have. Don’t do the should of, would of, could of, by then it may be too late!

Embrace your life!

Sam’s Eulogy

2010-02-11T15:59:00.002-06:00

(I have been looking for this on my laptop for a while. I wanted to share what Sam wrote and spoke graveside for his father! I am so very proud of the man Sam has become, and I know Dennis is as well!)

___________________________________________

I just want to start by saying today is not a day of grieving a man’s death. It is a day of remembrance of a man who lived a full life of no regrets. A man who once said to me "Sam In life nothing is worth doing half-ass. Either you are or you aren't. Either 110% or no effort at all" That man lays before us today Dennis Arthur McGrury Jr. my father.

My father was one dedicated Marine and it was either his way or the highway. He was a master of many trades and many skills, and he knew he was the best at what he did; this is what set him apart. One thing is for sure he didn't have a problem letting you know! He was a man of integrity, honor and commitment. A Marines Marine who didn't work to better himself but to better his men and make sure that his boys were safe. A man with nerves of steel, as if he were superman himself.

This big bad burly Marine did have a soft spot. If it was skipping through Disneyland with his daughter Sara singing were off to see the wizard or if it came down to showing his son that even grown men can cry. A loving husband and a loving father who's love never ended and no matter how mad or upset he got he still would come and give you a hug, just to let you know how proud he was to be your father. While still being able to then turn around and be the badass Marine that we all knew.

Today is for you dad! Today we will remember forever the Sacrifice you made as a Marine for your country, as a husband for your wife and as a father for your children. We will never ever forget the love you brought into our lives. You have fought the good fight, lived the good life, now it is time for you to rest and guard the streets of heaven, were you will be waiting for us, with your fellow marines.

Semper Fi Dad,

We love you forever and always.

Today was a good day!

2010-02-10T21:18:00.000-06:00

Let me just start out with saying that every morning I wake up and say it’s a good day. My memories of Dennis are with me most of the time, and I see his smiling face and dimples and it makes me smile. Dennis gives me the push to go on every day, and to make it the best day possible. If it wasn’t for him I would not be who I am now and I am so grateful. I never gave birth to my old children but I was so blessed to have Sam and Sara. They may not be my blood but they are my life force. I thank Dennis and Mona for allowing me to be a part of their lives. And Mona I mean that, you do not have to allow me to spend time with Sara, I thank you so very much for allowing me to still be a part of her life.

So, enough said. Today was a good day. I woke up with all the dogs in bed with me, guess I over slept and they wanted to be let out side and would not let me go back to sleep. From there my parents came over and we went to the Mardi Gras store to buy beads for the Biloxi VA parade tomorrow. Of course I had to buy all red, white and blue… Hey, it’s for our Vets! Then we went to visit Dennis’ grave and I placed a USMC bead around his headstone. They pick up the area on Fridays so I will go next week before Fat Tuesday and place some more decor.

From there I went on base, got some gas, went to the flooring store and picked out some laminate wood flooring, lunch with mom and dad and then the best thing ever. I got a call from the VA pension dept. and I was approved for VA benefits, FINALLY. Thanks goodness, and thank you Dennis. Always taking care of me. It’s a 4th of what he was getting but every penny helps.

OK, other good news is that Al & Dee the owners of RE/MAX by the Gulf offered me a position back with them. I accepted their offer and I think I will take back my old title, DAD, Director of Associate Development. I will be recruiting agents for the office; I can work in the office or from home so it’s a win, win situation. I am excited to be back in the work force.

And yes, I am still going to re-launch After The Proposal. I have rearranged the house, the front room will now be my office. I made an appointment with a graphic artist to redo my business logo and I will be having a grand opening party soon. You’re all invited! Woo Hood!

So all is well in the McGrury house, I still have a few bad moments but with the love of family and friends I get through it. One day at a time, I just have to remember to breathe and have positive thoughts!

Hey, can y’all see Dennis up in heaven dancing after the Saints won! He so loved his Saints! Who Dat!!!!

Oh yes Alaska, I promise to post pictures tomorrow!!!!! Stand by…

My last minutes with Dennis

2010-02-09T20:24:00.000-06:00

My last minutes with Dennis

I had been with Dennis during his last days here in our world. It seems like a blur at times but lately I have been thinking about it a lot. Dennis had a high fever and I was worried and asked for the nurse to order some Tylenol. She said that it was a low grade fever and they didn’t treat it. I told her I didn’t care and I wanted him to have something. So I called his doctor and she ordered some Tylenol.

The morning sift came in and they swooped in on his care, gave him a cold sponge bath, medicine and love. I spent the next 48 hours in his room and had the priest come in for the last rights. Fortunately his sisters were able to get away from work and be there for it.

I stayed all night and the staff brought in a lounge chair for me but I stayed in bed with Dennis. (And he is still a bed hog!!! ) I kept the TV on and just held, talked and loved him as much as I could. The next day he did not get much better. Would not eat or drink and the doctor suggested antibiotics but I said no. Dennis and I had talked about death and what we wanted when it came time. He told me “Jean, if I can be cured then do all you can, but if there is no hope then don’t delay the end”. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make…

Again I stayed the night and held him close, talking and loving on him. All Dennis could do was hold my wrist tight and moan. But I knew ,he knew I was there. On his last day I asked the doctor to give him some morphine, which he got a shot in the afternoon to calm him down. I stayed in bed with him and held him close, around 2am the nurse game in to check on him and change Dennis and his bed. I was asked to leave the room but I stayed right there. Dennis was not happy and was making noise to the best of his ability. When the nurse and LPN left I was in the chair sitting next to him holding his hand and his breathing became very shallow, and then he stopped breathing.

I sat on the edge of his bed and called for the nurse in a panic, they came running back but he started breathing again.

Then Dennis took another deep breath. I just knew that it was his time to go to heaven. I sat on the edge of the bed, held his hand, stroked his face and cried but told him it was ok to go. To go to heaven, and that I would be ok and that I would always look out for Sam and Sara. I told him that the Angels were coming to get him and not to be afraid as I stroked his face and kissed him. Several times I thought he was gone, but Dennis kept fighting it. I told him that his mom and dad were waiting as well as my mom and that it was ok to go. That I would love him forever and that I would see him again on the other side and he better be there waiting for me. Dennis took his last deep breath and died…….

I want to say this was the end. But it’s not. Dennis filled so many lives and he lives on in all of us. He watches and looks after us and just know when you get to heaven he will be the first one there because he is just like a little kid and always has to be first.

After Dennis took his last breath I closed his eyes, kissed his face and continued to hold his hand. The nurse came in and called the doctor. I really can’t tell you how I was feeling at this time. All I know is I would not let them take him to the morgue so I waited hours for the funeral home to pick him up. I followed the van out of the VA, so surreal. Stopped at the gas station, got some coffee and cigarettes, came home sat on the back deck and was in a trance. I don’t remember from there who I called or what I did.

All I know is I lost the love of my life and my best friend. Nothing will ever be the same without him. Dennis I miss you so very very very much! I will always love you and only you!

I also want to thank all of you for being such a great support system these past years and I think I need you more then ever now, so dont give up on me!

Much Love, Jean

RANDOM MEMORIES

2010-01-19T07:01:00.002-06:00

Memories of Dennis

I remember our first date when he showed up at my door wearing a pink shirt and shorts, bouquet of flowers and his first words were “Can I kiss you now”? And yes I did let him….

The first wedding he came to and helped. (Jessica and Kelly you should remember this) We called it the ball wedding, very intense wedding/bride and groom but it was spectacular. Anyway we had walkie talkies with ear pieces and Jessica and Dennis kept saying “Can you hear me now”! When Dennis was asked by the valet guys if he was security he told them that he was my personal assistant and that I sexually harassed him all the time. Just then I ran by to catch someone and told Dennis to watch my shoes. He looks at the guys and says, “See I told you, but I don’t mind cause look at her”!

September 15, 2001 was the day that Dennis proposed to me. I had a wedding of course and he came later on that night to help me break it down. I was beat as it was a long day but Dennis kept insisting that we go out for a few drinks. I’m like no way I am so tired… So Dennis got me and all the stuff home and then we went to the store to get a bottle of wine and as we were backing out he stopped, pulled out a ring box and said, I can’t wait any longer will you please marry me Jean? I’m like SHUT UP! REALLY? Yes of course I will. But I want a do over cause I am a wedding planner and need something a little more romantic. I did get my do over, came home another night to a path way of red rose petals leading from the entrance to the living room, candles lit everywhere, soft music, champagne, strawberries, chocolate and a tray of appetizers. Then he got down on one knee and asked me again… Y’all know the rest!

The first time I ever saw Dennis yell at another Marine. We had to take the kids to get new military ID cards at Camp Pendleton. Dennis was working that day so he met the kids and me at the ID office. Anyway all went well and as we were leaving, Dennis backed out and ran over an orange cone and a MP yelled at him. Oh my gosh, Dennis slammed his truck in park, swung his door open, did the drill instructor run with his chest puffed out, got up into the guys face and proceeded to rip him apart…. I think he made him cry. I’m like holy cow kids, hold on we are outta here… I was scared and he wasn’t even yelling at me… Sam and I laughed all the way home! I think the Marines that were with Dennis got a kick out of it as well.

Happy Birthday My Love

2010-01-15T06:39:00.003-06:00

Today Dennis would have turned 49, so very young. I still can’t fathom that he is gone from me for good. This isn’t a dream. I keep hoping to wake up and have him lying in bed with me. But no such luck. When I roll over to reach for him all I get is a furry dog named Abby who insists on lying on Dennis’ side of the bed on his pillows! And that’s not such a bad thing; I get so much love from my dogs in the morning.

So today I will go put flowers on his grave and take a cake up to the dementia unit at the VA. I know if they have red velvet cake in heaven Dennis will be getting himself a big piece cake with vanilla ice cream on the side. He loved both so much.

The other day I was thinking how crazy it was that people still celebrate Elvis Presley’s birthday. But now I understand, when you love someone it’s hard to let them go and at least once a year you can have good memories of birthdays past.

Celebrate with your loved ones now, always eat lots of cake! As most Marines would tell you, eat dessert first cause you might not have time to get to it!!!!!!!!

So please, take a moment today

and go eat some dessert!

Heavy Heart

2010-01-10T08:24:00.002-06:00

I woke up with a very heavy heart this morning. Sometimes I just can't believe that Dennis is gone. Maybe it's because his birthday is next week, he would have been 49 years young. I want to say everyday gets easier but it really doesn't. Day time is OK but I tell you when the sun goes down I just want to go to bed and wake up in a new day. I know it's not a healthy thing to do but I just can't shake it. If I do go out I just want to come home. And when I am home I want to go out.... Catch 22! I will be OK, I need to learn to live my life with out my love, Dennis. We had 8 wonderful years together. I always told him he owed me 40 more years but I am happy that I had at least 8. I know I was meant to be with him, God works in mysterious ways. He brought us together for a reason and I do know what the reasons were. I just wish it could have been a bit longer. It seems selfish to think that I would even take Dennis back while ill, cause it was lonely with him in that stage but it's even lonelier with out him here at all! On a happy note! Suzette's oldest daughter, Jessica had her first baby. His name is Lucas and he was born in Anchorage, Alaska on Friday January 8th. That is one of the reasons I am flying to Alaska on the 29th. To visit my Alaska girls! Jessica had a baby, Tori turns 16, Kayla will be there from CA and of course Nicole as well. I was worried about being cold while there but the weather here is Mississippi has been just as cold.... I think I will live. I will find my peace one day, keep my chin up and try to remember all the good memories with Dennis. I will stop crying for me.....one day!

Love Lives On - Song by Mallary Hope

2010-01-01T12:56:00.002-06:00

I reached for you this morning Woke up with empty arms Once again it's sinking in How far away you are I still pour two cups of coffee And tell you all about my dreams This kitchen's way too quiet You should still be here with me And even though I cry like crazy Even though it hurts so bad I'm thankful for the time God gave me Even though he couldn't make it last I'm learning how to live without you Even though I don't want to And even with you gone love lives on I still call your mom on Sundays It's good to hear her voice She always tells me that same story About her stubborn little boy And I kept your favorite t-shirt You know the one I used to hate Ain't it funny how it's the one thing now I just can't throw away And even though I cry like crazy Even though it hurts so bad I'm thankful for the time God gave me Even though he couldn't make it last I'm learning how to live without you Even though I don't want to And even with you gone love lives on She comes with me on your birthday Little flowers in her hand She's always known that something’s missing But too young to understand And someday she's going to ask me What kind of man you were I'll tell her all the ways I loved you And all the you I see in her And even though I cry like crazy Even though it hurts so bad I'm thankful for what god gave me And she's the perfect way to make it last I'm learning how to live without you Baby I don't want you to But even with you gone Love lives on Baby love lives on Love lives on Oh Yeah I reached for you this morning Woke up with empty arms

2010

2009-12-31T19:00:00.002-06:00

The New Year is almost here and I am so looking forward to it. Going to start off with a new attitude and heart. 2010 will be all about Jean McGrury, watch out world! I want to wish y'all the best, may you find love, peace, friendship, happiness and good health. Tomorrow is a new day, make it a good one....

It's Over!

2009-12-27T19:55:00.002-06:00

Or I should say it's almost over. Christmas this year was a bit hard. I am thankful that Sam, Sara and my parents where here but it just wasn't the same without Dennis. He was so in love with this time of the year. Dennis was such a softy at heart, a bad ass when needed but he loved and laughed so much. When ever I need to hear that contagious laugh I call Tim Stuppy and ask him to laugh like Dennis for me, he does it so well!

It's a new day and almost a new year. Time to move on and stop feeling so sorry for myself. Good news is that Stacy is here for a week! Lot's to do and a ton to drink!!!! I am taking it day by day and trying not to get caught up in pity. I was thinking about the good times that Dennis and I had and it warms my heart. That is my goal for 2010, positive thoughts. A time for new growth and goals.

I will always have Dennis in my heart and soul. No one will ever replace him or fill this empty space that I have. But I have to look towards the future and what I can do for myself. I am looking forward to the new year and what it will bring. I love you all and please continue to send me messages, phone calls and text's. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you all and hope for the best....

Happy New Year....

I'm crying for me!

2009-12-16T12:52:00.004-06:00

Been feeling a little weepy the past few days. I have been missing Dennis more lately, maybe it’s this time of year. Dennis loved Christmas so much, he turned into a little kid. We did not get to spend our first Christmas together as he left to go to Afghanistan on Dec. 1st., 2001 and was gone 9 months. He sure made up for it the next year. He would go out and buy me a present then get so excited he couldn’t wait for Christmas and wanted me to open it right then and there! A few days later he would go shopping again. One Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed and we finished playing Santa we retired for the night. When I woke in the morning and went downstairs Santa had come to visit me as well while we slept. Dennis was such a wonderful husband, father, friend and man. If you were lucky enough to know him then you would know how blessed you were to have him in your life.

I went to the National Cemetery this morning to place a wreath and nutcracker soldier on his grave (Dennis collect nutcrackers). I pretty much lost it sitting there in the dirt and feeling sorry for myself when I got a text from Suzette in Alaska that said “ Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there I did not die”. She always seems to know what to say. But I am not crying for Dennis, I am crying for me. I miss my friend, my husband and my lover.

I will get through this, one day at a time. The good news is that Stacy will be here on Saturday for a few days and the kids come home on Monday the 21st. We will all be together and the thought brings a smile to my face. I do know Dennis is in Heaven singing with the Angels and watching over all of us.

UPDATE

2009-11-23T18:55:00.000-06:00

My house is full of little girls running around being silly! Spring and her girls showed up this afternoon and with Sara here there must be 8 girls here at any given time. Life is good and my house is alive.

Now for another update; I am not going to buy the other house. A few complications with the home inspection, not too many bad things but enough to scare me. I sat down the other night and weighed the pros and cons. I have decided to stay here and make some changes to this house. I feel at peace and believe I made the right choice. After the holidays I may invest in a rental home and see where that may lead. For those of you who may need a realtor Maria Lewis rocks. Her number is 228-238-6888 and she works for RE/MAX by the Gulf!

Other then that just gearing up for Thanksgiving. Nothing to fancy this year, simple but yummy!

Questions

2009-11-20T06:37:00.000-06:00

Ok here’s the deal! We had the home inspection yesterday and should have the report emailed to me this morning. Taking the report to my brother in-law James to look at, he used to be a home inspector. Jackie and James are also in the process of finishing a new home.

The questions I have that no one can seem to answer is this: Is there a septic tank? The well has been dug and capped but is there water there? Why is there only 1 water hook up on the house for a water hose? And in the kitchen there is no 220 electrical so where was the stove and oven going to be? Hmmmmmm.

Maria my realtor is doing her best to find the answer to my questions. My dad and I are going to the planning office today to see if they still have the blueprints in house and if I can piggy back on the building permit. Then there’s construction insurance. So much to learn and do, I have 15 days to decide but don’t want to wait that long. Of course I could buy the plans from the builder but he wants $1500 for them!

What to do, what to do! I am in turmoil…. I LOVE the new house! I am having a difficult time thinking about leaving this home that Dennis and I shared so much love in. Of course he will always be with me. And I just realized today in my anniversary! We would have been married 8 years today!

Stress!

2009-11-19T09:46:00.000-06:00

OK I am trying not to stress too much. My new adventure is a bit scary, but with my parents help I think I will be ok. They are ready to help me with this project. The home inspector is coming today at 2:00. I will then decide if I go ahead with the project or not. The house was started by a well known builder here in MS. I don't think I have much to worry about. It's mostly finish work, but where to start with colors I am not sure. It is very different then the house I am in now. Lots of choices to make. My mom and I went to Lowes the other day just to look around and I was so over whelmed I had to leave. Thank goodness my parents have built every house they have owned so they know what to do and will advise me. My dad is ready to go and has made a list.

Sara arrives on Saturday and Sam will be home next Wednesday. I am looking forward to having them home. Family is so important to me; Thanksgiving will be a joy this year.

More info later tonight, promise to take more pictures for y’all to see.

House

2009-11-13T19:47:00.000-06:00

These are picture of the new house I am thinking about buying! Comments welcomed! 2100 sq. ft., 2.2 acres, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath. Dennis and I looked at this house awhile back and now it is in forclosure and the bank is asking $166,000, I am going to offer $110,000. I took Sam tonight to see it and he liked it.

I love it and it would be a new start for me.

View from the back yard

View from the front with the breezeway to the garage

Front View

Happy Birthday Marines

2009-11-10T06:08:00.000-06:00

All U.S. Marines are gung-ho. But, few can match the vision and total commitment of the famous 13th Commandant, Gen. John A. Lejeune. In 1921 he issued Marine Corps Order No. 47, Series 1921.

Gen. Lejeune's order summarized the history, mission, and tradition of the Corps. It further directed that the order be read to all Marines on 10 November of each year to honor the founding of the Marine Corps. Thereafter, 10 November became a unique day for U.S. Marines throughout the world.

Soon, some Marine commands began to not only honor the birthday, but celebrate it. In 1923 the Marine Barracks at Ft. Mifflin, Pennsylvania, staged a formal dance. The Marines at the Washington Navy Yard arranged a mock battle on the parade ground. At Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the Marine baseball team played a Cuban team and won, 9 to 8.

The first "formal" Birthday Ball took place on Philadelphia in 1925. First class Marine Corps style, all the way! Guests included the Commandant, the Secretary of War (in 1925 the term "politically correct" didn't exist; it was Secretary of War, not Secretary of Defense), and a host of statesmen and elected officials. Prior to the Ball, Gen. Lejeune unveiled a memorial plaque at Tun Tavern. Then the entourage headed for the Benjamin Franklin Hotel and an evening of festivities and frolicking.

Over the years the annual Birthday Ball grew and grew, taking on a life of its own. In 1952 the Commandant, Gen. Lemuel C. Shepherd Jr., formalized the cake-cutting ceremony and other traditional observances. For example, Marine Corps policy now mandates that the first piece of cake must be presented to the oldest U.S. Marine present. The second piece goes to the youngest Marine. Among the many such mandates is a solemn reading of the Commandant's birthday message to the Corps.

Like the U.S. Marine Corps itself, the annual Birthday Ball has evolved from simple origins to the polished and professional functions of today. Nonetheless, one thing remains constant, the tenth day of November! This unique holiday for warriors is a day of camaraderie, a day to honor Corps and Country. Throughout the world on 10 November, U.S. Marines celebrate the birth of their Corps -- the most loyal, most feared, most revered, and most professional fighting force the world has ever known.

November

2009-11-04T08:24:00.002-06:00

Wow it's hard to believe that it's all ready November. Lot's going on this month for sure. My parents should be pulling in my drive way any minute. They are now snow birds and will live here in the winter. They have to stop by here to get their house keys. Good thing they didn't come yesterday as their furniture is being delivered today!

Sam has his Marine Corps ball this Saturday. He seems excited. I was invited to go but it would seem weird without Dennis. Besides he has a date and will have more fun with Devin. I told Sam after he graduates he can take me to his first ball as an officer in the Marine Corps!

Sara will be here for Thanksgiving, looking forward to having her here for the week. Hope the weather is nice so we can get out and do things. My friend Spring will be down from northern MS for that week as well. My house will be full of little girls again. Poor Sam!

OK gotta go, parents are here and going with them to their property!

More later! Jean

Checking In!

2009-10-20T08:22:00.002-05:00

The time just seems to fly by and before I know it another week is here and gone. Finally feeling better after being sick for about 25 days. YUCK! I remember back in the event planning days I would always be sick in January after a long year and busy holiday season my body would just give out. So I am taking it as my body just needed me to stop and rest. But now I am ready to go go go again!!!!

The weather has turned cold here, hey and no comments form the Alaskan girls! It was 80 on one day and 55 the next, burrrrr! At least the sun is shinning and my lawn is drying up from all the rain. Going to get out there this afternoon and mow the lawn one last time then retire the lawn mower for the year! YES!!!

Looking forward to my parents getting here in a few weeks. Furniture should be delivered next week if everything has come into the store. As of yesterday a few things were missing. I do believe they told my mom 3 weeks and it's going on 4... They may have to stay with me for a few days just in case. The only problem is Grandma who is 93 sleeps in a recliner. Can't wait to have some yummy dinners with them, mom is the best cook ever!

Sam is doing well, we talk every morning. He gets to go to the LSU-Auburn game on Saturday and sit in the VIP room with I think he said a General. Sam is representing his unit and is excited to be chosen for this opportunity. I am going to go over to Baton Rouge on the 30th for the day to visit. Sam and Sara were both born on Halloween but it falls on a Saturday and Sam has big plans with his friends. Guess he doesn't need my cupcakes anymore... BOO HOO!

Sara and I text each other and I try to catch up with her after school and weekends. She is doing well in school and hangs out a lot with her friends the triplets! I have her birthday package all ready just need to get it in the mail! Hopefully she will be able to come visit at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Miss my munchkin!

Did I tell you I am going to re-launch my wedding planning business? After The Proposal will live again. Started a blog which will be linked to this one as well. Keep y'all posted! Jean Jean The Wedding Queen lives Again!

My Hero

2009-10-14T19:56:00.003-05:00

Watching the Ghost Whisperer, the story is about a Marine who is suffering for his men that were killed while he lived. Tears in my eyes knowing that my Dennis would have done anything for his men. He loved the Marine Corps and he served with honor and pride. Now he is in heaven with the men who sacrificed their lives for us and our freedom...... I am so very, very proud of him my heart just swells!

Inner Spark

2009-10-13T06:28:00.001-05:00

The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn. However profound the suffering that envelops you, never forget the inner spark of hope and courage. Never lose the capacity to wait with patient enduring.

I am working on trying to find my inner spark!

Jean

And so life goes on!

2009-10-06T07:33:00.002-05:00

Had a crazy dream last night about Dennis. I dreamt that he was trying to fly a motorcycle! I know it sounds crazy but we were at an airport and I didn't want him to fly it. He was hell bent on getting it off the ground and so I sat down on the runway and watched him take off. He circled around and waved as he passed over me and flew away. Then as I turned to watch him the motorcycle flipped over and he was falling from the sky. Of course I started to scream like crazy and ran and ran and ran trying to find where he landed. Finally I found him and there were people there telling me he was dead. But when I got to Dennis he was under a tree and still alive. He kept trying to move but the people would not let him so I crawled next to him and held him and told him not to move, that your body is broken and it's OK to go to heaven, then I woke up...

A lady once told me about a dream that I had years ago about me riding a bike while everyone else was trying to get on a plane to escape something that it meant that I was in control. So I will take the meaning of this dream that Dennis is OK and that he is in control. Anybody else have any thoughts?

Pictures from Family

2009-09-26T07:47:00.006-05:00

Flagpole In Our Backyard

Taking a break after setting up the back yard! Oh snap Tim!

Stacy and Sara! Stacy was here for the week before and helped me so much with all the things I had to do to get ready!

Two wonderful people who helped so much, my mom Jennifer and Gunnery Sergeant Louis Vado. I had so much help from friends and family who came from near and far...

Taking a little swim break!

Cocktail and story time! (Day before)

Sam and my niece Andrea from California

Beautiful flowers and plants at the church

My sister Terry and Jennifer at the church

Sara and her BFF Jordan (My two beauty's)

Heading to the National Cemetery on the Ocean Springs/Biloxi bridge. This was favorite drive. We had police escort to the bridge from OS police, then when we got to the Biloxi side there must have been 20 or more police cars escorting us and holding traffic all the way to the gates of the cemetery, most amazing site....

Beautiful Oak Trees at the National Cemetery

Patriot Riders came to show their respect

Marine Corps Honor Guard from Gulfport carring Dennis' Casket

Just trying to take it all in, Sam always checking on me

First Sergeant Lynch presenting me the flag that was drape over Dennis' casket

The final sad goodbye to my Love!

Each corner had a Marine Corps disc that came off and was attached to a plague with a picture of Dennis with his name and dates. One went to Sam, Sara, my father Wayne and Tim Stuppy!

Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund

2009-09-22T08:31:00.005-05:00

In memory of Dennis we are asking that donations are given to the: Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund In Memory of Master Gunnery Sergeant Dennis McGrury, Retired 825 College Blvd. Suite 102 PMB 609 Oceanside, CA 92057 or donate on the website: http://semperfifund.org/ The needs continue to be great and ALL donations large or small help continue to move this noble mission forward. Thank you! Jean

Memories

2009-09-22T06:29:00.009-05:00

Memories of Dennis

If you have a story, comment, message about Dennis please email it to me so I can post it on the blog. Thank you, Jean

mcgrury@gmail.com

Hey, I wanted to share my favorite memory of Dennis. He never got tired of thumb wars! And sometimes he would actually whoop me! We would pass an hour at a time playing thumb war. Even when he couldn't move his thumb side to side as well, he could still push my thumb down well enough so I couldn't get loose! I have super thumb muscles now thanks to him!

Ashley Hudson Coe (RN who took care of Dennis at the VA)

Jean, We just found out about Dennis, and are very saddened to hear of the lose to you, your family, our family (the Corps). See, Dennis and I served for about 3 years at Weapons Training Battalion at Quantico, Va., Small Arms Weapons Instructor School (SAWIS). There are many folks here at Ranges, and Training Area Management Division, who served with Dennis during his time here, to include our Commanding Officer (Col Jack Cuddy, USMC Retired). They pass on their condolences, and if you ever need anything please don't hesitate to call me, or on us here. I have passed your family link on to others here on Qunatico that also served with Dennis at SAWIS (Small Arms Weapons Instructor School), we all share great, and fond memories of those great days!! Dennis was always the character, and him, and I used to fish a lot together, which was a hoot in itself. So, we are very sadden that he has been called home, but like all we'll celebrate his life! I have some pictures of our time that we spent on a fishing trip on the South fork of the Shenandoah river. We had a grand time there!! God bless you Dennis!! He'll be remembered in our hearts, and minds!!

Rick Crosby

Master Guns, I can not begin to tell you how much I will miss you. I have thought of you often since our time in Iraq and thank you so much for everything you gave to this country and to your friends and family. You are a stud and this country lost a true hero. I can only imagine the incredible joy are feeling right now being with the Lord in heaven. God bless you Dennis. Sean Breen

Dennis had the ability for all to laugh with him and at the same time want to choke him but you never could bring yourself do to that as he would be cracking jokes even while your hands fastened around his neck. He taught me a great deal about both life and the Marine Corps. I for one will miss him greatly. Semper Fi Gregory F. Mulholland

THE DASH

2009-09-21T16:06:00.002-05:00

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

The cars....the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spend your dash?

Author Linda Ellis

In Loving Memory of Dennis A. McGrury, Jr.

2009-09-20T06:09:00.004-05:00

Do Not Stand At My Grave

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush;

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my gave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die.

Cell Phone

2009-09-13T13:31:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to get the word out that my cell phone died and there are no Sprint stores opened on Sunday! Will attempt to get a new phone in the morning. Sorry if you have been trying to get a hold of me, try again tomorrow or send me an email to mcgrury@gmail.com

Jean

Dennis McGrury

2009-09-11T16:35:00.001-05:00

Dennis on our wedding day 11/20/2001

Additional Hotel Information

2009-09-11T05:47:00.003-05:00

All these hotels are with in a few miles of my house, church and cemetery. The closes airport is Gulfport (GPT) 20 minutes. Mobile, Alabama also has an airport and is 50 minutes east of here. For the brave souls New Orleans airport is about 90 minutes west from here but you can always make a mini vacation out of your trip and enjoy this crazy city.

Rates vary, you can view pictures and rates on www.hotel.com Howard Johnson Express Inn 7412 Tucker Rd Ocean Springs, MS, 39564 866-539-0036 Best Western Cypress Creek 7921 Lamar Pool Biloxi, MS, 39532 866-539-0036 Country Inn Suites Ocean Springs 13900 Wilfred Seymour Rd Ocean Springs, MS, 39565 866-539-0036 Holiday Inn Express & Suites Ocean Springs 7301 Washington Avenue Ocean Springs, MS, 39564 866-539-0036 Gulf Hills Hotel – Small Town Charm and Southern Splendor Toll Free: 866 875-4211 13700 Paso Rd., Ocean Springs, MS 39564 http://www.gulfhillsgolf.com Guests at the Gulf Hills Hotel and Conference Center enjoy a relaxed atmosphere and carefree environment unmatched on the Gulf Coast. Luxurious accommodations and outstanding service meet to create a unique atmosphere of readied convenience and quit seclusion. IP Casino Resort & Spa 850 Bayview Ave. Biloxi, MS 39530 1 888 WIN AT IP http://www.ipbiloxi.com/ The IP Casino Resort & Spa is the Mississippi Gulf Coast's premier one stop resort destination. Towering thirty-two stories over the scenic Back Bay of Biloxi, MS., the IP is home to over 1000 elegantly appointed hotel rooms and suites. Our Biloxi Casino Hotel features a Spa Resort, Mississippi Golf packages, and full IP amenities. Hard Rock Hotel & Casino 777 Beach Blvd Biloxi, MS 39530 228-374-ROCK (7625) http://www.hardrockbiloxi.com

"Marine Corps Cadence"

2009-09-11T05:25:00.003-05:00

You can keep your Army Khaki. You can keep your Navy Blue. I have the worlds best fighting man, to introduce to you. His uniform is different, The best you've ever seen. The Germans call him Devil Dog, His real name is Marine. He was born on Par...ris Island, The place where God forgot. The sand is 18 inches deep, The sun is blazing hot. And everyday he'll wake up, Before the rising sun. He'll run a hundred miles or more, Before the day is done. He's deadly with a rifle, A bayonet made of steel. He's took the Devils calling card, He's mastered how to kill. And when he gets to heaven, St. Peter he will tell. One more Marine reporting Sir, I've served my time in hell. So listen all you young girls, To what I have to say. Go out and find a young marine, To love you everyday. He'll hug you and he'll kiss you, And treat you like a queen. There is no better fighting man, Than a UNITED STATES MARINE!!!

2009-09-10T21:04:00.002-05:00

For anyone who would like to know the details of next Thursday or would like to know how Jean and the family are doing, please feel free to call me at 615-968-9136. My name is Stacy Mckinley and I would be more than happy to answer any of your questions or concerns. I will be arriving on Saturday to help Jean. She is a little overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from everyone. Just got off the phone with her and she mentioned that she had no idea and was shocked to find out how many people were planning on coming to the celebration on Thursday for Dennis. I want to thank you all for being there for the McGrury family!

Regards,

Stacy

stcjrrll@aol.com

Information for the Celebration of life for Dennis McGrury

2009-09-10T06:34:00.003-05:00

Celebration of life for Dennis McGrury September 17, 2009 12:00 - 1:00 Visitation at Church 1:00 - 2:00 Mass 2:30 - 3:00 Burial Service at the National Cemetery 3:30 - till ? Celebration Party at the McGrury home St. Alphonsus Catholic Church 502 Jackson Ave. Ocean Springs, MS 39564 Biloxi National Cemetery 400 Veterans Ave. Biloxi, MS 39532 McGrury Home 10616 Kentucky Cove Ocean Springs, MS 39565 Holiday Inn Express 131 Washington Ave. Ocean Springs, MS 39564 228-872-7255 Dress Information For the Mass and Burial we request appropriate attire. Military uniform if you can still fit in it.. Celebration party we request casual attire. Shorts, flip flops and comfy clothing. Bring a swimsuit, and happy thoughts. Remember this is a celebration of life, not a mourning of death! All are welcome to any or all of the events for the day!

From Dennis

2009-09-10T05:34:00.002-05:00

I'd like the memory of me To be a happy one I'd like to leave an afterglow Of smiles when life is done I'd like to leave an echo Whispering softly down the ways Of happy times and laughing times And bright and sunny days I'd like the tears of those who grieve To dry before the sun Of happy memories that I leave When life is done. Dry your tears my friends, do not be sad. Celebrate my life, do not mourn my death! I will see you one day on the other side. But please remember me in your heart! Love Dennis (AKA, Master Gunn's)

Could not Sleep

2009-09-08T06:08:00.003-05:00

Got home from the VA hospital last night around 8:00, it just didn't feel right to be home. I called the shift change at 11:30 and they told me Dennis still had a fever. Threw on some sweats and t-shirt and went back to the hospital. Ended up staying the night with Dennis. I held his hand all night while he slept. Feeling a little exhausted this morning, but will jump in the shower, run the dogs, make a big pot of coffee and head back to Dennis. Glad it's Tuesday because all the main staff will be back. First phone call will be to Dr. Cowen!

I did have a good conversation with my friend Teri. She offered to contact Dr. Shultz's in Houston. His specialty is FTD and I think I would like to donate Dennis' brain for study. If it can help people in the future then I know Dennis would want to help. No one should have to go through this.

Thank you all for sending us your angels!

Long day!

2009-09-07T20:50:00.002-05:00

Hoping you all had a wonderful labor day and did not have to work. It was a long day at the VA Hospital, but love being with Dennis. He had a fever all day and didn't eat much but was able to eat ice chips, ice cream and yogurt. Just got home a while ago because of the dogs, I don't have anyone to watch our babies. But I am packing a bag tomorrow and staying at the VA from now on. My neighbor Kim said she would help with the dogs but if it doesn't work out I will board them at the vet. Dennis will always come first! The time is getting short for Dennis in this world, so send him your angels to help him pass and help me deal with the loss of the most amazing man I have ever met. I could only wish that you could find the love that Dennis and I have......

Sunday Morning

2009-09-06T06:53:00.000-05:00

Been awake since 4:30 am, just counldnt sleep. Dennis is on my mind and I am just so afraid that I will not be there with him when the angles come to take him to heaven. Last night while I was still at the VA, I climbed in bed with him and fell asleep holding him close. I woke up when the nurse came in with his night medicine and when I looked at Dennis his face had the look that my mom did before she died. That hollow look, eyes partly opened while sleeping... This is just a short note as I am heading back to the VA to spend the day with Dennis.....

Dennis yesterday at lunch! We ate dessert first! I was there when the barber showed up so was able to tell him how to cut his hair!

My girls, Madison, Saige and Cali came all the way down from North Miss. to spend the weekend with me!

Thursday Morning

2009-09-03T07:06:00.002-05:00

Now I know why I am exhausted by 8:00 pm! The dogs are waking me up between 3 and 3:30 am, way to early to get up but after they have all jumped on me it's hard to fall back to sleep! You would think I would get a lot done in the morning but alas, I just sit here drinking coffee and watching the news. My house is a mess and the laundry basket is over flowing but to tell you the truth I don't really care! There will be plenty of time to take care of all that later.

Went back to the VA yesterday around 4:00 and Dennis was in bed. The little devil had managed to get his diapers (has to wear at least 3) and was naked as a jay bird when I walked in his room. I kept expecting him to jump out of bed and do his little naked dance like he used to! He was such a goof ball... The staff came in and changed him, by that time his dinner tray arrived but he didn't eat much. Some chocolate ice cream, strawberry yogurt, a few bites of mashed potatoes and half an ensure. Yes, that's correct I fed him his dessert first!!!!! Dennis was sound asleep by 6:30, I tucked him in, gave him a big kiss and hug and reminded him that I love him with all my heart!

I will be heading back this morning! I will try to remember to bring my camera this time. I might take Emma Jo with me, she loves Dennis so much and I know he will be happy to see her!

Wednesday

2009-09-02T14:59:00.002-05:00

Just got home from spending the day with Dennis. He did pretty good at lunch, took about 2 hours to eat but we took a lot of breaks because he kept falling asleep. When I was leaving the VA the nurses were cleaning him up and putting Dennis into bed. I will head back before 5 so I can feed him dinner. I sure wish I could take the dogs with me, the staff would get a kick out of them.... I hate to leave the dogs alone all day but Dennis is much more important to me. I think I will line up a few of the neighborhood kids to come walk them after school everyday.

My friend Spring and her girls are driving down from North Mississippi on Friday to spend the weekend with me. Sam is also coming home after school on Friday, glad to have the company. It gets really lonely here at times. I do OK during the day, but when the sun goes down I feel the emptiness!

Hospice Care

2009-09-01T11:15:00.004-05:00

As of yesterday Dennis is now under "Hospice Care" at the Biloxi VA! I had a wonderful meeting with Katrina and Ashley, RN's in the dementia unit. They said under no uncertain terms were they going to allow Dennis to be moved down to the 2nd floor. That the staff wanted Dennis to stay with them because they want to care for him until the end. My heart just grew, I am happy they feel that way. If I cant bring him home, I want Dennis to be able to stay where he is. As it gets closer to the end I will be allowed to stay in his room. They are like family to us now and I am so overwhelmed at times just thinking about how much they care for Dennis!

I want y'all to know that I am at peace with this! Dennis is a wonderful man and the time we had together was perfect and I would not change a thing. Of course I wish it had been longer but God works in mysterious ways. I prayed my whole life to meet a man like Dennis and God blessed me with him, took him 40 years but Dennis was worth waiting for. In the days to follow I will try to post more of the letters Dennis had written to me while in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Sam and I have talked a lot about the end. We are not going to morn his death, we are going to celebrate his life. We don't want anyone to wear black to the funeral, Hawaiian shirts and flip flops were his favorites! After the service at the Catholic church Dennis will be buried at the National Cemetery at the Biloxi VA, followed by a BIG PARTY at our house afterwards. (Maybe this would be the right time to put on the party clothes!) Of course we don't know when Dennis will leave us, only God knows but I just wanted to share our plans with you.

The only thing that I require is that the Marines carry Dennis' casket and not the Air Force, Army or Navy, well maybe Navy!!!!! He did love his corpsman! I would also ask at this time that you take a few minutes and write down a few notes about Dennis. Weather it be a funny story about him and you or a fond memory. Any pictures you might have would be great also. I would like to put them on display for all to see.....

10616 Kentucky Cove

Ocean Springs, MS 39565

Thank you!

Jean & Dennis

Dennis with his dog Emma Jo on Sunday! She loves him so much!

Sunday Morning

2009-08-30T09:55:00.020-05:00

Feeling really lonely this morning. Dennis will be coming home at noon for a few hours, looking forward to having him here. The dogs will be so happy, I can barely get Dennis in the house before they start to jump on him with such excitement.

Yesterday Dennis' good friend Tim Stuppy, who served with him in the USMC came over to visit for a few hours before he heads to Iraq. I know it was hard for Tim to see Dennis in this stage but he is the Master Gunns and Tim might not be able to see Dennis again. Meaning, I don't feel Dennis has much longer here in our world, but in our hearts always! It pains me to write this.

Dennis is now so very quiet and withdrawn. He is having trouble eating and swallowing. Every week I noticed a hugh change in him, for the worse. It is now up to me to make this time as comfortable as possible for him. On Monday I will see about making arraignments for Dennis to come home permanently. I don't want him to die alone. As well as he is taken care of at the VA by the staff there, it would not be what he wanted.

Dennis was and is the love of my life, I will never have another. I am so happy for the time we have together. My saving grace is that I will see him again on the other side. Dennis always told me he would wait for me in heaven if he went first. And when I see him again all will be well because he will be my Dennis again! I miss him so very much, life just doesn't seem fair.

Just having a little pity party right now. But I can tell you, that if Dennis had to do it all over again, given the chance he would be on the first plane or ship out of the states and back to Iraq. And I would let him, he was a true Marine through and through.......

Please don't read this and feel sorry for me. Read this and love the people in your life right now because you just never know! Funny how life works...

Love the ones you love with all that you have!

Dennis and Tim yesterday at the VA

Dennis in his room last week

The Other Dementia

2009-08-23T20:11:00.005-05:00

The Other Dementia This is a great article "The Other Dementia" UCSF is at the forefront studying frontotemporal dementia, a wasting disease similar to Alzheimer's that strikes patients at their peak by Katherine Nichols

Dawn spoke with impeccable grammar until she reached her late 40s, when she began struggling to assemble a sentence. Her 8-year-old daughter would ask for a hug, but the once-doting mother pushed her away. A former vice president at a local bank, Dawn became unable to manage her own finances. Her spending became so irrepressible that her family had to seek court orders to prevent her from losing everything she had saved. Before she was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia (FTD) at the University of California at San Francisco in 2002, Dawn divorced her husband. She was 52 years old. And the relentless decline continued.

"I do a lot of crying," says Dawn's mother, Emmogene, who lives in Antioch, cares for a husband with early Alzheimer's disease and regularly attends UCSF's FTD caregiver support group meetings. "It's been really hard because you think you're going to die before your children. You just have to go through it a day at a time, thinking about how they were and how they are now, and feeling so helpless."

Financial mismanagement and loss of judgment and empathy are typical symptoms of frontotemporal dementia, a degenerative brain disease that attacks slowly and yields devastating results, often stripping patients of language skills and inciting behavior so bizarre, damaging and unpredictable that approximately 60 percent of cases are misdiagnosed as psychiatric disorders. Perhaps even more devastating is the loss of personality -- the relentless destruction of everything that made someone who he or she once was -- which often obliterates relationships and careers before anyone even determines there is an illness.

"I think this disease is so much harder on the family than on the patient," says Jennifer Merrilees, a nurse who led UCSF's FTD caregiver support group and is now earning her doctoratein nursing and geriatrics. "The family deals with so much heartache, and so much of the unknown. It's a maze."

Frontotemporal dementia, also known as frontotemporal lobar degeneration (FTLD), has not become everyday terminology -- yet. But it's on the brink of public awareness in the same way Alzheimer's disease was 20 years ago. The scientists and physicians at UCSF are on the forefront of exploring an illness they believe to be more common than anyone has realized.

Experts regard FTD as the second most prevalent cause of dementia behind Alzheimer's, which ails an estimated 4.5 million people in the United States. But FTD's economic and emotional consequences are more detrimental, because it strikes otherwise healthy individuals in their 40s, 50s and early 60s, who are often at the peak of their careers and parenting responsibilities. There is no known cause, no treatment and no cure. Genetics may be responsible for 40 percent to 50 percent of cases. The rest appear to be random.

One barrier to public knowledge about FTD is that it can't be reduced to "10 early-warning signs." Though many similarities with Alzheimer's disease exist, the key difference is that FTD patients display only limited memory loss. Results of intelligence tests can remain normal, and individuals with unimpaired motor control can stay athletic for a long time, conveying the illusion of good health.Even in the Bay Area in an era of AIDS and Alzheimer's, the social stigma associated with a little- understood dementia makes coping even more challenging for families.

is something those participating in UCSF's monthly FTD caregiver support group meeting understand intimately. At a recent gathering in a small hospital conference room, the family of a newly diagnosed FTD patient intends, for the first time, to seek answers from people who have been dealing with the illness for as long as 10 years.

Frustration, tears, resignation and a remarkable desire to offer helpful advice fuel the unsteady emotional energy in the room, where 15 people crowd around a long table. "I lost my husband, but I've been given another person I don't like," one woman says. Everyone nods in agreement. Another adds, "You have a big baby who can't learn anything."

Phrases such as "the decision-making powers have gone to hell in a handbag," "no impulse control," "I don't know who this person is," "whatever seems like the hugest problem now won't be in a few months," "perpetual state of grieving" and "it's very, very hard to watch," are just some of the statements uttered.The new family members explain their struggle with the patient's actual competence level and his perceived abilities. Driving, working and interpersonal relationships have become battlegrounds. "We're still trying to reason with him," says one, before adding softly, "but there's no reasoning with him."In a sympathetic tone, the entire group confirms, "No." The patient's wife, attending the support group meeting without his knowledge, quietly intercepts her tears before they fall.

From the other end of the table, a word of encouragement emerges: Ask for help, because "it's amazing the kind of support you're going to get from the least likely places." But asking for help is not easy when a definitive diagnosis remains elusive. In fact, the only way to know for sure if a patient has FTD is by examining his brain after he's died. This is not the case with Alzheimer's, which clinicians can pinpoint with more confidence.

"The whole idea of the first symptom is a moving target," says Merrilees. It's almost always something that's understood long after it occurs -- even years later -- when spouses begin to comprehend the disease and re-examine strange behaviors they once tried to ignore or attribute to stress.

Consequently, detecting FTD remains more of an art than science. Magnetic resonance imaging and CT scans can help rule out a brain tumor and reveal cerebral atrophy, but these and PET scans "are not a means for making a diagnosis," says Tiffany Chow, a neuroscientist at the University of Toronto and a speaker at UCSF's FTD conference in September. Neuropsychological tests can help, but Chow says that nothing is more effective than a complete examination and history of speech impairments and/or behavioral changes. Information from patients is notoriously unreliable. They may admit to minor limitations, but as the disease progresses, a lack of insight prohibits them from recognizing, or caring about, their deficiencies.

Compounding the problem is the fact that primary-care physicians and neurologists in private practice may have limited knowledge of the disease and difficulty obtaining information. The patient may block communication between the physician and other family members. Or families might be reluctant to tell the truth, out of embarrassment or fear of repercussions from a now-volatile loved one.

"I can't tell you how many times before someone ever visits us, things are ruined," says Dr. Bruce Miller, director of UCSF's Memory and Aging Center. "Patients may be able to say the difference between right and wrong, but they don't know the difference between right and wrong."

Unmonitored patients often get arrested for erratic driving or theft, or wreak havoc in the home and workplace with inappropriate behavior, sexual or physical aggression, or gross financial mismanagement. Others may just sit home and play solitaire all day, a type of apathy that can be "extremely stressful for families," according to Merrilees. No matter what the circumstances, "there's a relentlessness to what (the caregiver) is going through, and that's really hard to shoulder."

Jan, who lives in Berkeley with her husband, an FTD patient, puts it more bluntly. "You don't get any affection," she says. "You lose your sense of touch. They're not really there. It's like there's been a terrible automobile accident, and suddenly I have to take care of a very bizarre child with brain damage."Like others interviewed for this story, Jan asked that only her first name be used. Some feared angering or embarrassing their loved ones; others expressed concern that people might try to take advantage of the gullible FTD patient.Which parts of the brain make us ourselves? "Those are the parts even the most skilled neurologists still don't understand very well," says Howie Rosen, a neurologist at UCSF.

Consequently, knowledge about the cause of the illness is limited and constantly evolving. Essentially, misfolding proteins aggregate and become like sludge or tangled train tracks that cause horrific wrecks in the brain.

Abnormal deposits of the tau protein (also present in Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases) can be one source. Another cause is a deficit of the progranulin protein -- essential for neuron survival. This leads to pathological deposits of ubiquitin, a protein recently identified as TDP-43, which is also present in ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease.

New discoveries prove that this illness is not as isolated as scientists once thought it was. "If you look at a tiny piece of it, like the tail of an elephant, you see a rare disease," says Miller. "But if you combine all the diseases together as they're linked, you really get an elephant -- a disease that's very common."Though some literature indicates an equal number of men and women have FTD, the ratio of male to female FTD patients at UCSF is two to one. Initial symptoms may include language difficulties, behavioral anomalies or both. Typically, clinicians try to control behavior -- often with antipsychotic medication that works sporadically. Patients die from complications of the illness within three to 15 years.

Caregivers often express frustration that doctors can't visit their homes for extended periods to see what happens behind closed doors.

"I wish these people had more time to observe," says Don (his name has been changed for privacy reasons), who brought his 49-year-old wife in for evaluation at UCSF. "I'm not really sure they're getting a full picture."

Miller says they will make house calls to noncompliant patients. But too few experts and a constant scramble for resources make this kind of care impossible for everyone. UCSF'S Memory and Aging Center is located on the Parnassus campus, with views of Golden Gate Park. Its $8 million annual operating budget comes from grants, including two from the National Institutes of Health. Local philanthropy -- such as the Hillblom, McBean and Koret foundations -- provides one-fourth of that. Miller would like to see those numbers rise. "Private funding comes with fewer strings attached, and it allows us to do really creative things," he says.

UCSF is also working on a promising video about FTD that the school hopes to air on PBS in the next two years. But its completion awaits donations.When Miller became the leader of UCSF's Memory and Aging Center in 1998, there were three employees. Now, 70 people share space meant for half as many. When someone enters the lobby area, those waiting in chairs must turn their legs to the side to let the person pass.

What makes Miller adept at managing an illness with so few boundaries is his ability to veer from conventional wisdom. "I have my own way of thinking about things," he says. "I'm eager to improve what we do every week, and I'm comfortable with people -- and unconventional. I don't necessarily follow the well-beaten path. Because if you think that by doing routine tests you're going to understand this disease, you're wrong. You have to explore somebody's life and think about what's unusual about it, even if it's exemplary."

A leader who educates physicians and scientists around the world, Miller evaluates 75 patients a year, up from 15 or 20 when he first began studying FTD in 1984.

On a typical day, he gathers a few members of his team in his cramped office, decorated with family photos and a plastic model of the brain, to discuss a patient named Olivia (not her real name). Dressed in a pinstriped suit, the 57-year-old physician-scientist invites input from clinical nurse Robin Ketelle; physician Huidy Shu, Katie Carey, a neuropsychology fellow; and Lovingly Quitania, a graduate student in neuropsychology.

FTD is commonly misdiagnosed as Alzheimer's, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, and this patient is no different. Though MRIs can often appear normal, Miller examines images of her brain on his computer. He comments on the atrophy in the frontal lobe, and explains how he will superimpose the new image over a year-old picture and statistically calculate any change. Before this meeting, Olivia's husband, Don, explains privately that she had been a "superwoman" who managed her work and motherhood responsibilities with ease. "She was really at the top of her game," he recalls wistfully.

But when she was 44, her behavior began to change. She exhibited unusual fits of anger and agitation, which sent the couple to a marriage counselor. "What I didn't realize at the time was that she was also having anger management issues at work," he says. "But it was easy to attribute that to stress."

Things got worse. She obsessed about certain topics, and conversations became laborious as she repeated herself incessantly. She drove the wrong way down a one-way street. Multitasking became impossible. Affection for everyone in the family diminished. A trip to the store yielded 24 cans of shaving cream and towels the family didn't need. Unable to monitor her eating, her weight fluctuated dramatically.

The marriage counselor thought she was depressed, and "the psychiatrist was a disaster," says Don. He was never sure if her peculiar behavior -- like weeding the garden at 3 a.m., naked -- was due to the illness or the medications prescribed for her. Two years before her diagnosis, she was fired from her job for poor performance, though she denied any wrongdoing. She found another job, and promptly was terminated from that as well. Reports indicated that she didn't understand instructions, or couldn't execute them. In 2005, the couple finally got some answers at UCSF.

"The hardest part is losing my wife a little bit at a time," Don says. "It makes me live in a perpetual state of unresolved grief." Despite the support from his community and church, "it still hurts, and it's still a struggle to go through. I feel like she's mostly gone. Her personality is completely different. There are times when I catch myself sort of acting like she's still the same person, and that usually gets me knocked down really hard. It doesn't work. But when there's this glimmer of a response that reminds of the way she used to be, I'll try to respond to that, and it meets a brick wall."

Following the one-hour summary of Don's observations, the team walks from Miller's office to the hospital, where Olivia and Don are waiting.In front of his wife, however, Don is guarded. He knows that saying anything she doesn't like will result in a disturbing encounter later on, sans witnesses.With an audience of six, Miller shifts between neurological exams and light conversation with Olivia in an unassuming, accessible, respectful manner that seems to put her at ease. Because many of his patients have trouble talking, Miller has perfected the art of multifaceted communication."I feel I'm in the presence of a master when he is working with patients," notes Ketelle. "He listens and responds on a nonverbal level that I find unorthodox and very effective."

Clinically, Miller is analytical in an intuitive way that comes from 23 years of studying an illness most doctors do not yet understand.

With arms crossed, Olivia admits that her personality might have changed "a little bit." She knows she repeats herself, and that she's not "wonder woman anymore." But that's all she seems to grasp. Miller adjusts easily to the irregular terrain.

FTD patients lack judgment in a way that makes them unable to recognize their own deficiencies or appreciate threats to their safety -- or the safety of others. Their ability to appear lucid and competent much of the time makes them a challenge to manage.

"With FTD, we see families in major crisis," says Geri Hall, a featured speaker at UCSF's International FTD Conference in September, and an advance-practice nurse in Iowa who has seen the damage after working with hundreds of FTD patients. "The problem is that the patient has not been determined to be incompetent, and nobody wants to take away the autonomy of someone who is not impaired. So the caregiver is constantly being barraged by negative restrictive feedback that he is trying to limit this competent person. It's like swimming in one of those endless pools."

Miller and his team are trying to change that by focusing on collaborative work that advances everyone's understanding of the disease -- and by treating real people on a daily basis. He also devotes much of his 100-hour weeks to fostering the next generation of clinical researchers. His much-publicized exploration of the artistic talents elicited in many FTD patients is a testament to his ability "to recognize something beautiful that has come out of something horrible," says clinical behavioral neurology fellow Brandy Matthews. "It's just a different way of thinking about a disease process that's very unique to him. It takes some asking to figure out what (patients) still do well, and he always focuses on that."

While Miller and his team hunt for treatment and a cure, family members struggle with overwhelming barriers and limited options. Nursing homes become problematic when young and physically able patients are too strong for staff members prepared only for the frail elderly. Jan recalls her efforts to find day care for her 6-foot-4-inch husband while she went to work in the city. When she finally placed him, he demanded to go home on the first day. The staff politely and quickly escorted him to the door.When she isn't busy explaining FTD to her therapist, she's working to make ends meet. Of the $5,000 a month Jan brings home, $4,500 now goes to caregivers, whom she pretends are artists looking for space, or people who want help running errands so he will allow them to stay. But she believes it's essential to give her the respite she needs to survive.

"We rent videos because we can't afford to go to the movies," she says. "Plus, I have to do hours of work just to come into the office. But having a human being who does not have dementia to talk to is really important." The most difficult part is dealing with the "ocean waves of emotional grief. For years, I've had a bad cry every week -- sometimes more. It's like you're slogging through mud, the mud being all the emotions that drag you down. You gradually shut down and become not really alive."

Emmogene, who talks about her daughter, Dawn, in UCSF's caregiver support group meetings, understands this anguish. These days, Dawn does not speak at all. She's incontinent, but fights every attempt to clean and bathe her. Her once-energetic walk has become a shuffle, but she paces constantly, and when she tries to sit down, she sometimes falls and hurts herself. Even with constant monitoring from family and a professional caregiver, she's managed to shoplift a few items, which her family must return with a written note from doctors, along with profuse apologies. Antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs that seemed to help temporarily have fallen by the wayside as the benefits became undetectable, and side effects, like diarrhea, became impossible to manage. Emmogene pays lawyers and accountants tens of thousands of dollars to maintain control over Dawn's finances. Echoing the sentiments of every loved one and physician dealing with FTD, Emmogene's voice breaks as she whispers, "I just wish I could do something for her."

Help for caregiversFrontotemporal dementia (also called frontotemporal lobar degeneration) is an umbrella term that covers several disease subtypes. They are named according to the way the disease began. Doctors agree that, as each one progresses, the severity of symptoms may vary, but they all begin to resemble one another.Primary progressive aphasia or progressive non-fluent aphasia: Begins with language disorder and may remain isolated there for up to two years. All patients suffer behavioral symptoms and cognitive decline as the disease spreads.Semantic dementia: Language problems initially, primarily with comprehension.Pick's disease: Immortalized in a tragic plot turn in Sue Monk Kidd's "The Mermaid's Chair" and first described by Arnold Pick in 1892. Behavioral symptoms exhibited first.Corticobasal degeneration: Begins with motor control and coordination problems.Progressive supranuclear palsy: A related disorder that begins with problems with gait and balance.

On the WebUniversity of California San Francisco Memory and Aging Center: http://www.memory.ucsf.edu/ (includes information about support group meetings)

Association for Frontotemporal Dementias: http://www.ftd-picks.org/

(866) 507-7222

Quiet House

2009-08-23T08:39:00.003-05:00

It's that time again! Sam is back at LSU and Sara is in California which means my house is quiet again. Time to catch up on all the home projects I have been putting off. That should keep me busy for a few weeks.

Dennis is doing about the same. No real change in the past week. He won't be coming home today like usual but will next Sunday if all goes well. Here are a few pictures from last week... I swear I didn't dig in the mud, it was the other dogs! Sam and Mac Ryan! Sam wanted to take Mac to LSU but that's a big fat NO! Sam and Ryan playing beer pong in the garage Sam and his roomy Doug heading out to LSU!

As vets await checks, VA workers get $24M bonuses

2009-08-21T17:48:00.001-05:00

WASHINGTON – Outside the Veterans Affairs Department, severely wounded veterans have faced financial hardship waiting for their first disability payment. Inside, money has been flowing in the form of $24 million in bonuses.

In scathing reports this week, the VA's inspector general said thousands of technology office employees at the VA received the bonuses over a two-year period, some under questionable circumstances. It also detailed abuses ranging from nepotism to an inappropriate relationship between two VA employees.

The inspector general accused one recently retired VA official of acting "as if she was given a blank checkbook" as awards and bonuses were distributed to employees of the Office of Information and Technology in 2007 and 2008. In some cases the justification for the bonuses was inadequate or questionable, the IG said.

The official, Jennifer S. Duncan, also engaged in nepotism and got $60,000 in bonuses herself, the IG said. In addition, managers improperly authorized college tuition payments for VA employees, some of whom were Duncan's family members and friends. That cost taxpayers nearly $140,000.

Separately, a technology office employee became involved in an "inappropriate personal relationship" with a high-level VA official. The technology office employee flew 22 times from Florida to Washington, where the VA official lived. That travel cost $37,000. The details on the alleged improprieties were in two IG reports issued this week. VA spokeswoman Katie Roberts said the agency was extremely concerned about the IG's findings and would pursue a thorough review.

"VA does not condone misconduct by its employees and will take the appropriate correction action for those who violate VA policy," Roberts said in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

On Friday, Joe Davis, a spokesman for the Veterans of Foreign Wars, said if the allegations are found to be true, individuals involved should lose their jobs, and legal action should be taken.

"America's veterans served their nation honorably and with no expectations of reward," Davis said in an e-mail. "It should not be too much to ask for that same level of commitment from government employees, too."

And Sen. Richard Burr, R-N.C., the top Republican on the Senate Veterans' Affairs Committee, said Congress should investigate.

The number of claims the VA needs to process has escalated, and the Information and Technology Office has a critical role in improving the technological infrastructure to handle the increase. President Barack Obama has said creating a seamless transition for records between the Pentagon and the VA could help eliminate a backlog that has left some veterans waiting months for a disability check.

Much of the IG's focus was on Duncan, the former executive assistant to the ex-assistant secretary for information and technology, Robert Howard.

In one situation, a part-time intern with connections to Duncan was allowed to convert to a full-time paid position even though the individual was working a part-time schedule 500 miles away at college, the IG said.

"We have never known of any other new VA employee provided such favorable treatment," the IG said. The individual's name and relationship to Duncan was blacked out, as were many other names in the reports.

Investigators recommended that the employees who received the college money pay it back. The largest amount awarded was $33,000.

In addition to Duncan, three other high-level employees received $73,000, $58,000 and $59,000 in bonuses in 2007 and 2008, the IG said. In 2007 alone, 4,700 employees were awarded bonuses, on average $2,500 each.

Some employees were given cash awards for services that were supposedly provided before the employees started working at VA, the IG said.

A man who answered the phone at Duncan's residence in Rehoboth Beach, Del., said she was not available, and he said not to call back.

The IG also found that Katherine Adair Martinez, deputy assistant secretary for information protection and risk management in the Office of Information and Technology, misused her position, abused her authority and engaged in prohibited personnel practices when she influenced a VA contractor and later VA subordinates to employ a friend.

The IG also said Martinez "took advantage of an inappropriate personal relationship" with Howard to transfer her job to Florida. In the nine months after she moved, the IG said Martinez traveled to Washington 22 times "to accomplish tasks that she could easily do from Florida." The relationship between Martinez and Howard started in April 2007 and continued several months after Howard left the VA in January of this year, the IG said.

Roberts' e-mail did not address a request from the AP to speak with Martinez. Howard could not be immediately located for comment.

Indiana Rep. Steve Buyer, top Republican on the House Veterans' Affairs Committee, urged quick action to fix the problems. "VA must appoint honorable individuals to these critical positions," he said.

The VA has faced criticism before in its awarding of bonuses. In 2007, the AP reported that the then-VA secretary had approved a generous package of more than $3.8 million in bonus payments in 2006, citing a need to retain longtime VA executives.

CRANKY OLD MAN

2009-08-11T04:05:00.002-05:00

CRANKY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?

What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?

A cranky old man, . . . . .. .not very wise,

Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice . . . . .the things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . . . .The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now . . . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . . . my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide .. . . . And a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . ... My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.

At Fifty, once more, . . . . . . ..Babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . . . My wife is now dead.

I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing . . .. . . . young of their own.

And I think of the years . . .. . . . .. And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.

It's jest to make old age . . . . . . .. look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . ... A young man still dwells,

And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells

I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . .. that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.

Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . . . .. . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too! PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

Guess

2009-08-08T09:14:00.003-05:00

Guess who is coming home tomorrow? Yes that's right, Dennis. A VA medical van will bring Dennis home at 11:30 and pick him up at 5:30 to take him back to the VA. I was told this is just a temporary fix until they (the VA) can figure out something permanent. Again they should know by now not to piss me off, I am like a lioness when it comes to my family. I will attack and rip your head off, then I will sit back and wait for the results to take affect!

VA Update

2009-08-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

Just to fill you in. I have been bringing Dennis home on Sundays, some home cooked meals and he gets to spend time with family when they are here and friends. So yesterday I go to visit Dennis and was told by one of the staff members that the nurse manager Linda had told her to tell me that they are no longer allowed to assist me on Sundays getting Dennis into my truck when I want to take him home. I have to bring someone with me to help. At first I was shocked and said "What, you have got to be kidding me" then I asked why and was told that if they get hurt while helping me they are not covered. I felt sorry for the nurse having to tell me, I don't think she wanted to and felt bad. I also don't feel it was her place to tell me, it should have come in the form of a meeting with the nurse manager, myself and the social worker.

OK, so I wheeled Dennis into his room and started to cry, then he starts to cry so I have to stop. Then I start to think, and y'all know how scary that can be. As I was thinking I started to get angry and out came my phone and my list! Started making my calls cause this is not working for me.

I called:

Fed. Care Coordinator

Wounded Warriors Regiment

WLOX Sunhearld

Congressman Gene Taylor

OEF/OIF VA Rep

VFW

Something is going to happen, not sure what yet but I am so done, ever see the movie Man On Fire, well I am staring in the new one called Women On Fire!

Let me put it this way to you. If Dennis and I were in our late 60's and he had to have surgery or something at the VA and it was time for him to leave the hospital and was not able to walk they would but him in a wheelchair and take him to my car, now remember we are older. Would they just stand there and not help an old lady put her husband in the car, would I have to do it by myself? Keep in mind that most vets at the VA are in there 60's plus.....

You would think by now they would realize not to piss me off, cause then I go off. I have stirred the pot and now there is no going back. Here are the choices I am giving them. Very simple!

1. They figured out how to help me get Dennis into my vehicle when I want to bring him home.

2. They buy me a truck or van equipped/adapted so I am able to bring him home.

3. I bring Dennis home full time, my house gets equipped with everything I need to care for Dennis as well as a full time nurse or CNA.

Those are my demands.

Pictures

2009-08-03T11:29:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to share a few pictures with you.

All is well here in Mississippi. Had brunch with my niece Rachel and my sister in law Lisa on Sunday. Rachel was in town from Florida and we got to view her wedding pictures from April. Somethings never change, my back was in the few pictures of me like the wedding coordinator I used to be... Too funny, at least it wasn't a butt shot!

Sam will be back Saturday night and we are going to bring Dennis home on Sunday for the day. Sara is back in CA hanging with her friends and Mona is taking some vacation time next week.

Dennis is doing well, nothing has really changed!

We have been in hurricane season since June but we are coming into the busy months, August and September. Guess I need to start to prepare myself with extra water, propane, fuel and extra food. OH JOY! I won't forget the beer of ice this time!

Sara on the last day she got to visit her daddy. Rooster on my parents place that loves to chase me! Love fried chicken... Sam in CA at Marine week

Documentary "Planning For Hope"

2009-07-31T05:57:00.003-05:00

Please take a minute after reading this to go to the link of the website. This is an email sent to me from my friend Terri. Both her brother and sister suffered with FTD. Any help or leads you might have for her would be greatly appreciated.

Jean

Documentary "Planning For Hope"

Over $97,000 has been raised to produce this documentary. A remaining $55,000 is needed to complete the editing and pay for distribution to healthcare professionals. Mother and I participated in the documentary and were filmed along with 5 other families also dealing with Frontotemporal Dementia. I am organizing a committee to raise $5000 from corporate sponsors. I am looking to put together a group to help me make calls to corporations to solicit the funds. I have contacted several, and unfortunately not received any contributions. I really need help if you have a bit of time to make a few calls or if you know of anyone you can approach for donations. The film is being edited into a 10 minute short we can eventually share with prospects. In the meantime, we have the website and various documents we can share with potential corporations. Insurance companies would make great sponsors for this film. I know when I discovered what was going on with my sister and brother, I ran out and purchased a disability plan for myself. Financial planning companies would also be good to participate as a sponsor. If a company donates at least $5000, the filmmakers will list them as an official sponsor of the film. At this point I am just trying to round a few people to help me make calls, so if you have the time and can help, please let me know. After we know everyone participating in the committee, we will have a conference call and discuss who knows who or who can call what company etc. Here is the link to the site established for donations. http://ftdtheotherdementia.com/ IMS Productions if the film company. All donations are being run through SonShine Mountain Retreat in North Carolina (it is a non-profit with 501c3 status) and donations are tax deductible.

Summer Time

2009-07-28T12:19:00.004-05:00

I feel like my summer is coming to an end. Sara leaves tomorrow to head back to California. I was going to travel with her and go to my reunion but as most of you know I just cannot leave Dennis. Hopefully I will have a long life and plenty of time to enjoy it. The house will be very quiet. I will just have to keep myself busy until Sam comes home in I think 10 days. He will be home until he heads back to LSU on the 20th of August.

We have not gone to visit Dennis yet today. I am letting her enjoy the last day with her friends and we will go this evening and have dinner with him. I don't want to tell Dennis that Sara is leaving because I know it will make him sad. I am hoping that Sara will be able to come back at Thanksgiving so we don't have to go to long with out seeing her.

As for Dennis, he has a new wheelchair, he was having problems with being able to sit up. Rick the OT showed me a chair that reclines and he was able to secure one for him. Dennis is now sitting up straighter and it seems to be helping with his ability to swallow when he eats. His doctor did order a swallow study and it came back OK, he is not aspirating which is good news.

Sara and Dennis last Saturday

Sara and Mac Ryan

Sara and Emma Jo

Family Day at the Biloxi VA

2009-07-14T13:39:00.003-05:00

Today was family day at the VA for the dementia unit. They had a nice lunch set up and yummy apple cobbler with ice cream for dessert. Dennis had a ham sandwich, fresh fruit and potato salad and of course root beer. It was nice to feed him something other then minced up food. He did really well, only one small coughing fit. Sara brought her friend Sarah and they helped clean up after all the vets ate their lunch.

Home now and it's raining again. Taking the girls to the movies to get out of the house for a bit.... Didn't get much sleep last night, had a little break down yesterday afternoon. Just a fit of feeling sorry for myself, this too will pass.

Letters from Dennis (aka Mick) to his father while in Iraq

2009-07-13T10:46:00.002-05:00

Departure Area, Kuwait 0900/030320 Dear Dad, Well pops I am finally up on the front line. We got here two days ago after President Bush gave Saddam 48 hours to move out of Iraq. We have been in our NBC suits now for the third day waiting to cross over. Last night the bombing started in with strikes into Bagdad. This morning we are on a 4 hour tether to move out just in case they start to blow up the oil fields. The news media is coming to talk with us in about an hour. We have some Iraq freedom Fighters with us. They gave a brief of all the war crimes the Bath party has committed on the civilians in Iraq. One man hasn’t seen his son in 10 years. He would be 15 years old and hopes to see his son when we get to the first city we come too. They say the Iraqi people are looking forward to us liberating their country. My Marines are in good spirits. Especially when last night the bombing started. I know some of them are scared but the don’t show it. Young Marines, so damn hard and head strong. This is their last chance to get mail out before we go. For me well, you know me not much gets me scared. I guess I am no different than them. I just worry and pray that God will watch out for them. Jean sent me her cross I got her when we were in San Francisco on our honeymoon. I am wearing it around my dog tag chain. There are religious services this morning. I won’t go; I will just pay my respects in my own way. I did attended Ash Wednesday services back at camp. We have a small radio and have been listening to the BBC. The British units are pushing up on our right side and those boys look really good. Well Dad that’s about it. I hope this finds you and Mom in good spirits. Do me a favor and drink a BEER for me one cold and fresh when you read this. Give everyone my love. Let them know I am OK and that I am making world history. Just know Dad that I love you just like when I was a little boy and nothing in this world can ever take that from my heart. Oh yeah, the latest joke is that Saddam has gone to Syria and has all our mail. Ha Ha. Now it’s time for us MARINES to kick his ASS! I love you Dad. Your son, Mick (Dennis and his company did not receive any mail while in in route to Iraq. It wasn't until they reached Bagdad and settle into the UN building some 30 days later that the mail finally caught up with them. He said it was like Christmas!)

Long Awaited Update

2009-07-10T06:03:00.006-05:00

Where so start? Off the top of my head of course will be to tell you about Dennis. I don't like to start off with bad news, sorry! Dennis is getting worse, I feel. He is still in his wheelchair or Geri chair everyday. He is so slumped over, sometime it looks like his chin is touching his knees. They did run a blood test on him and everything came back OK. On Tuesday Dennis was running a fever, but it is now down. His doctor and I agreed to give him Tylenol everyday just to to be safe. Dennis still knows me when I visit and of course with Sara here we go everyday and have lunch with her dad. Sara seems to be handling it OK, she is so good with her dad and the staff makes her feel welcome. We spend about 2 hours a day with Dennis, I want Sara to spend time with her dad but she is still a little girl and deserves to have a fun summer.

Sam left yesterday to head to San Diego for 4 weeks. He is with the Navy and participating in his midshipman for the NROTC. He called last night and this next week he will be with aviation and very excited. I am hoping he learns a little more discipline while he is gone. Sam will be back August 10th and leaves on the 20th to head back to school at LSU.

Other news:

My friend Spring and her 3 girls where here for a weeks visit, they left on Monday. We had a fun time on the 4th even if it did rain most of the day. Still picking up firework scraps in the back yard! Dennis came home for a few hours to visit with family, he seemed to enjoy himself and had some home cooking. Of course the dogs LOVED seeing their daddy and Emma would not stop jumping on him. I will bring Dennis home again on Sunday for a few hours, wish he could be home all the time.

Heading out on the 29th of July for Southern California. My 30, count them 30 year high school reunion. Crazy that I am this old!!! That is if Dennis is well and I feel confident leaving him. I would not be able to live with myself if anything happened to him while I was gone.

That's about all I can think of for now!

Jean Dennis with Spring and her girls.

Sara and I, and yes we got sunburned!

Brother and Sister LOVE!

Sam on his way to San Diego

Dennis & Michael

2009-06-24T12:38:00.002-05:00

Finally met Dennis' friend Michael Bright. They first met back on 2006 at the Biloxi VA correct me if I am wrong Mike on the year, They shared a bond as Mike was in Iraq at the same time as Dennis. I feel very blessed to have him in our life as he goes and spends time with Dennis, he told me Dennis would do the same for him. So thank you Mike it means a lot to me that others visit Dennis beside me.

Stole this information from Mike's Facebook page, I'm so sneaky!

Grad School: University of Baghdad '03 Convoy Corpsman, Chief of Battalion / Task Force Medical Department College: American University of Kuwait '90 Surgical Shock and Trauma High Schools: University High School '78 Palisades Charter High School '78 Employer: The family Farm Position: trying to relaxing Time Period: August 2004 - Present Location: West Gulfport, MS Description: retired from the work force. Tending to the garden, horses and cows.

Getting Ready

2009-06-23T07:07:00.002-05:00

Getting ready for a few busy weeks. My friend Stacy will be here from Nashville tomorrow for a visit. Spring and the girls will be coming back on Sunday for a week and will be staying with me. Sam and Sara fly back on the 4th. Big 4th of July party and I have arranged for Dennis to come home that day for a few hours. Sara will be here this summer, but only for a few weeks. She will fly back to California when I go to my high school reunion. Looking forward to getting back to So Cal and seeing my friends. Sam leaves on the 9th to go to San Diego to do his midshipmen rotation for 4 weeks, then back to LSU! I love having so much to do!!!!!!

Here's the deal!

2009-06-16T08:49:00.002-05:00

Was visiting Dennis yesterday, he was laying in his bed (which is still on the floor) so I was leaning against him reading a book and guess what he did? He grabbed my boob and would not remove his hand! He still has it, LOL!!!!!

OK, so he needed to be changed and it took 3 nurses to get him up so today they are going to give him back his bed per my request. Will be much easier, I don't think Dennis will be able to get out by himself so he can't get hurt. Dennis is very unstable now on his feet, I worry about this stage of his disease.

More later!

Quick Update

2009-06-12T07:57:00.002-05:00

Quick update while my internet is still on! All is well here, the sun has been shinning all week and that makes me very happy. Dennis is doing OK, he has lost a lot of his muscle tone and having trouble walking and the decision has been made to put him in a wheelchair for his safety. The other day I was walking with him and he started to fall backwards, I was able to control his fall, he went down, I spun him around then I went down. It looked like we were break dancing, I had to laugh!!!

Spoke with his doctor yesterday and Dennis has been wearing a heart monitor for the past 24 hours to check out his heart rate and to evaluate his new medication. Dr. Cowen will also be doing a full physical in the next few weeks. Stand by for that info.

Sam is still in California, well really in Las Vegas right now visiting his aunts. Sam and Sara will be flying back to Mississippi July 3rd just in time for our annual 4th of July party.

Yesterday was a sad day, I had to put my mom's cat, Miss Kitty to sleep. I was going to do that a few weeks ago but the vet wanted me to try some medicine first. It didn't work and she was just so sick poor thing, could not keep her food down. The vet was just amazing, she was so kind and gentle and I got to hold Miss Kitty before she passed. They also imprinted her paw in some clay and will be sending it to me. I brought along a box to place her in so I could bury her in the backyard with Skeeter but they placed her in this wonderful cloth bag. I am going to move all my animals to this vet.

Rainy Days Make Me Sad

2009-06-04T10:08:00.002-05:00

It's been raining the past few days. Yes, we need it but it always puts me in a funky mood. The sun is suppose to come out tomorrow so it will be a better day. Heading out in a bit to go see Dennis and attempt to feed him his lunch again. A little afraid but I am not willing to give up just yet!

Tuesday and I Had an Anxiety Attack

2009-06-02T13:04:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Went to the gym, did some cardio, had a good breakfast then went to see Dennis. It's crazy but just over night he has changed. I looked into his eyes, then at his face and he is the shell of the man he used to be. I asked the staff what his weight was and he has lost about 5 pounds this month. Which is not bad but he has lost so much muscle, he just looks really skinny. The moment he saw me he started to whimper, it makes me sad when he does this. We went to his room and watched George of the Jungle. Dennis could not sit still but he was in the Geri chair so he could not get out. I waited until lunch came and fed him, he is having trouble swallowing now. I had to feed him slowly with little bites. As we were finishing up lunch he started to choke and I freaked out. Dennis could not stop coughing so I sat him up and tired my best to help him. This is the point where I started to have my anxiety attack. My heart raced and I had trouble breathing. Has it come to the point that I cant even feed my husband anymore? I feel such a loss and very overwhelmed.....

Saturday

2009-05-30T09:49:00.003-05:00

It's been a good couple of days for me, I think the Zoloft is kicking in. Don't feel as angry, that's a good thing! It's going to be very hot here today and I have a list of things to do, starting with mowing the lawn. My friend Spring is out of town so I am also watching her dogs. She also has two border collies but our dogs don't get along so I have to go to her house several times a day. Their yard is not fenced so spending alot of time walking them. But it's all good cause when I go out of town she takes care of my animals. I will miss Spring and her three girls, Madison, Saige and Cali. Her husband was transferred to North Mississippi and they will be moving in two weeks. (Insert sad face here).

Going to see Dennis this afternoon. The medicine for his heart seems to be working well, vital signs are positive. Unfortunately, his walking has become unstable so while he is in the day room he has to sit in a Geri chair and if I want to take him outside we go in a wheelchair. This is all part of his illness and expected. At least he doesn't have to wear his helmet all the time. Other then this Dennis is doing well, the nurses and staff baby him like crazy. I am very grateful for that.

What a day!

2009-05-27T22:06:00.002-05:00

OK, day two on self meditation and positive thinking. I went to the mailbox saying "There will be NO bills in my mailbox" and can you believe there wasn't! Holy crap Batman this stuff really works!

Had a busy day, let me see if I remember what I did! Went to see Dennis, met with my attorney, took Miss Kitty back to the vet and got talked out of sending her to heaven. Gave me some meds and told me to give it one more week. Then I had 7 kids and 1 extra dog at my house today swimming. (Did I mention that none of them belonged to me?) Put them to work, cause no one swims for free. As I was trimming trees they had to follow behind and pick them up and put in the fire pit. Got rid of all the little kids this afternoon and then the teenagers showed up and wanted to swim and hang out. I'm like no way Jose, I have dinner plans come back tomorrow. Had a nice dinner at Huck's Cove, home now blogging and going to go to sleep so I can start all over again tomorrow!

I have come to realize

2009-05-26T09:54:00.003-05:00

I have come to realize that I cannot control all things. And for those of you who truly know me that's a very hard fact to overcome. I need to regroup and get my emotions under control. The past few weeks I have let my anger and frustration out on to many of my friends and family. I am working hard to find my happy place again. I stoped taking my zoloft and that was a hugh mistake, so I started again last night. It really helped me with my anger issue in the past and pray that it will get me under control again. I have been asked why I am so angry, and to tell you the truth I just don't know! I am just angry, maybe at God and at Dennis. Angry at the way my life has changed, at Sam (poor thing) at the love bugs that are stuck on my truck, the red ants in my yard and the guys on their tractors who are clearing my neighbors back yard because all the dirt ended up in my pool! Maybe I am just crazy? LOL

I am also going to blog more often as it helped me in the past to get my feeling and emotions out. I just don't feel like Jean, my friend Barbara thinks I may be pre menopausal and recommended some bio identical hormones, enzymatic pre menopausal formula. I will head to the health food store today and pick some up.

Let me end this note with I love you all and miss my family and friends like crazy!

Jean

When we draw strength from within, our outlook undergoes a dramatic transformation; everything around us looks completely different. To be strong-that is the key to happiness.

Memorial Day ~ Thank you for your service!

2009-05-25T19:45:00.006-05:00

I was so blessed this weekend! I have such wonderful friends who seem to be able to handle my mood swings. Y'all know who you are and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart! It seems like when the sun sets I get so emotional I don't even like myself. So again thank you for helping me get through each day. I always wake up and say to myself, Jean it's a new day and it will be a good one! All I can do is continue to have positive thoughts... On another note, Tim and Jennifer Stuppy drove 6 hours to see us on Friday before they move to Virginia. It was so wonderful to be able to meet their children and spend some time with them. I went to the Biloxi VA on Saturday morning and got all chocked up. To my amazement there were tons of people placing American Flags at each headstone. I had to hold back my tears. Then when I went up to the dementia unit the staff there was so amazing, they had Dennis in shorts, Hawaiian shirt and his tevos. He looked so handsome and was so happy to see me. Got Dennis home and he was able to visit for a few hours and did pretty well. I know it was hard on Tim to see his buddy like this. If you don't see Dennis that often it can be very shocking. That is why I brought him home, much better not to visit him in the VA for the first time.

So, here are some pictures I wanted to share with you and remind y'all again that I love you and thank you so much for getting me through another week!

Tim & Jennifer with their two children Ashlyn and Gunnar

The Biloxi VA

Dennis with his nephew Matt who was home from Auburn

Solatol also know as Betapace

2009-05-19T13:39:00.003-05:00

Dennis wore a heart monitor last week for 24 hours and I just got the results. His heart rate shot up to over 210 several times. So they are now moving him to a different unit over in building 1 where they can monitor Dennis for 3 to 4 days as they change his drug. If it does not work then they are talking about putting a pacemaker in.

OK, I am so stressed out I am sick. Waiting for the phone to ring so I know when they will transfer him. The unit is not a locked unit so of course I worry Dennis will get hurt. They can use soft restrains but that bothers me. I guess the only choice is for me to be there longer to keep an eye on him.

To minimize the risk of induced arrhythmia, patients initiated or re-initiated on BETAPACE® should be placed for a minimum of three days (on their maintenance dose) in a facility that can provide cardiac resuscitation and continuous electrocardiographic monitoring. Creatinine clearance should be calculated prior to dosing. For detailed instructions regarding dose selection and special cautions for people with renal impairment, see DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION. Sotalol is also indicated for the maintenance of normal sinus rhythm [delay in time to recurrence of atrial fibrillation/atrial flutter (AFIB/AFL)] in patients with symptomatic AFIB/AFL who are currently in sinus rhythm and is marketed under the brand name BETAPACE AF™. BETAPACE is not approved for the AFIB/AFL indication and should not be substituted for BETAPACE AF because only BETAPACE AF is distributed with a patient package insert that is appropriate for patients with AFIB/AFL. WARNING: Because this medication can cause irregular heartbeats, it should only be started while you are in a hospital where your condition can be closely monitored (e.g., EKG) for at least 3 days.

The 411

2009-05-07T08:47:00.002-05:00

I know I have been so bad about keeping y'all updated so here goes!

Dennis was in the ICU last week for 4 days. He is doing well, no worries. He still has his heart condition from when he got back from Iraq. On Sunday when they took his vitals his heart rate was above 140, he goes in and out of afibrillation all the time. There is nothing that can be done to really control it and I refuse to put him back on all the heart medications that are toxic. Just to clarify it, the meds didn't work when he was on them for years and they wont work again.

I have had dreams the past two nights that I brought Dennis home and he just started talking out of the blue! I asked him why he hasn't been talking and he said he just didn't have anything to say! My dreams were very emotional, he was my old Dennis who I like so much better then the new Dennis.

Had a meeting yesterday at 9:00 am with the staff in the dementia unit. I believe it's every 9 weeks they review the patient and the family member is invited. Good positive results. Dennis is in a routine, he eats well and gets his exercise. He wears a helmet to protect his head but I know he hates it and the staff only makes him wear it if he is up walking around. Dennis is also very spoiled.. he has his own TV in the day room so he can watch his movie (yes it's still Madagascar 1 and 2) Dennis also has two bean bag chairs so he in comfy while watching his show. His bed mattress is still on the floor in his room but again that's for his safety. We are working on a plan to get some padding on the wall next to his mattress so if he rolls over he wont hit the hard wall. I am also told that Dennis sleeps all through the night which is great cause he used to get up about 20 times a night and it drove me crazy.

Sam is taking his finals this week. His last one is on Saturday so he will be home Sunday sometime. As for his summer Sam is going to help out at the recruiters office in Gulfport and continue to read and study this summer. At the end of July he will be going to San Diego for a month, he will be with his NROTC group. Sam told me what is is called but y'all know I don't talk military.

I am hoping Sara will be able to come here right after school lets out in California. She won't be here all summer as I am heading to California for a week at the end of July to attend my 30 year high school reunion and to visit family and friends. Looking forward to some good Mexican food, really fresh veges and Trader Joes, is that crazy or what! It's the things you cant have anymore that you miss the most!!

That's about all I have for now. Taking it day by day, step by step and remind myself to breathe. Off to the VA to see my big guy and shower him with love!

Much Better

2009-04-30T09:32:00.002-05:00

OK, I am much better this morning! I have no problem getting through the day, it's just the nights that I struggle with. Good news is that Sam is coming home tomorrow after school and will be here until Monday, then he heads back for the last week of school and home for the summer until the end of July.

Dennis is doing better, he went back to his room last night from ICU and settled right back into his routine. I haven't been there yet today but will head over around noon to go with him to a cardiology appointment at 1:00. Nothing they can really do for him other then watch his medications a little more. Thank you all for your calls and prayers.

HANGING

2009-04-29T20:36:00.003-05:00

Hanging by a thread and not sure what to do next but sleep, eat, wake up and do it all over again. Not sure how much more I can take, I miss Dennis so very much, it is killing me, my heart is so broken and it hurts so much. Just breathe Jean, just breathe! That's all I know...

If I could change one thing in this world I would do anything to change places with Dennis so he could watch his children go up! It's just not fair...

LIFE DOESN'T STOP

2009-04-29T08:52:00.003-05:00

Life Doesn't Stop

It took me half a lifetime to accept that setbacks were not limited to me... death in the family, separations or the house burning are events people deal with and move on. I am capable of riding a wave of wallow past reason ability and into inaction, frozen in "it's worse for me mode." life can be unfair to all of us... but the stars come out and the sun rises and it is time again to move forward toward the Light Source! I once took all that self-pity had to offer, and came up empty and alone... later I learned to follow the leaders as they rose from blows, failures and traumatic situations. What is it about them I find attractive? It is the love of living and giving that energizes and restores their energy... the torch they carry spills more light than one can use, and I move into their shared glow...the cup that fills them is from the well of unending renewal... the spark they were given sustained over their own fears and and trials! The voice they hear calls to me and you as well... come with me, together we validate life and learn to appreciate each day as a chance to...begin life again... for living goes on, and whether “or not” we are grateful and productive... is up to us!!!

Please Read this Book

2009-04-15T09:03:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas. I highly recommend it. She spoke my words of what my life is like with Dennis. I posted a link to her website on my blog. you will find it on the right hand side.

When Abigail Thomas's husband, Rich, was hit by a car, his skull was shattered, his brain severely damaged. Subject to rages, terrors, and hallucinations, he went to live in a nursing facility that specializes in treating traumatic brain injuries. He had no memory of what he did the hour, the day, the year before. This tragedy is the ground on which Abigail had to build a new life. How she built that life is a story of great courage and change, of moving to a small country town, of a new family composed of three dogs, knitting, and friendship, of facing down guilt and discovering gratitude. It is also about her relationship with Rich, a man who lived in the eternal present, and the eerie poetry of his uncanny perceptions. This wise, plainspoken, beautiful book enacts the truth Abigail has discovered in the years since the accident: You might not find meaning in disaster, but you might, with effort, make something useful of it.

The house is so quiet

2009-04-15T08:31:00.002-05:00

My life revolves around sleeping or not, how crazy is that. I find at times that I cannot get my mind to rest then toss and turn all night. Nothing worse then waking up, looking at the clock and it's only 3am. The house is quiet again which makes me sad. After a whirl wind week with Sara and her friends I find the solitude depressing. My dogs are my saving grace I don't know what I would do with out them. They all slept with me last night I think they sense my sorrow and loved on me all night. Well, all but Mac Ryan he was on patrol and barked at the dog in the mirror half the night. (He hasn't figured out yet that it's him!) So now I begin my day. Get dressed and go visit Dennis. There are days when I just don't want to go but once I get out the door and on my way and see he face all it good and I am glad I went.

Spring Break

2009-04-10T09:30:00.008-05:00

Just wanted to share some pictures of spring break with Sara. The weather hasn't been the best so no beach and only one day in the pool. We go and visit Dennis everyday, he is always so happy to see Sara. Tomorrow we are going to bring him home for a few hours in the afternoon. Hope all goes well and I don't lose my cool!

Dennis got a good hair cut before Sara arrived

Dennis with his baby girl!

Sara and Jordan with the pose!

Brave girl ready to jump in the cold water... Crazy kids after seeing Monsters vs Aliens in 3D

The girls and Dennis. they popped out the lenses in the 3D glasses and painted them...

Time goes by so fast

2009-04-08T21:12:00.002-05:00

Isn't it amazing that the time can go by so fast when you don't want it to, and so slow when you do? It seems like Sara just arrived and tomorrow will be Thursday and just a few short days and she will be gone again. The house has been so full of life and love, I have been truly blessed to have her here this week. Trying not to dwell on the negative but when Sara leaves on Sunday my house will be so quiet again and I am afraid for that day to arrive....

Tomorrow the weather should be nicer so we are going to go to the beach and bring Sara's girlfriends with us, that is after we visit Dennis in the morning. If all else fails we will just swim in the pool and hang out at home. I wanted to bring Dennis home tomorrow but Sam is now not flying back to Baton Rouge until Saturday. The problem with bringing Dennis home is if he falls I cannot get him back up. What to do, what to do! I am just happy that Sam is having a good time in California with his mom and friends, he needs a break from school....

Dear God

2009-04-05T23:09:00.002-05:00

Dear God, As I lay down in bed tonight I ask you to please help me. Help me understand why after praying to you for 40 years to bring me someone to love and you do that you would take him away from me after such a short period of time. I just don’t understand. I miss my husband so much. All I ever wanted was to have someone to share my life with. You brought Dennis into my life then you took him away. We had such a short time together. If I could go back in time I would change so many things. I would love him more, hold him tighter and have more patience. I would kiss him longer and deeper, hold his hand longer and tell him more often how much I love him. I am so over come with grief right now, the tears started early this evening when I took Sara to see her father after I picked her up from the airport. When Dennis saw her he started to whimper and cry. Tears of joy, or sadness? I am hoping that they were tears of joy, seeing his little girl. It just broke my heart, Dennis looked at me like why are you doing this to me, why am I here? I just wanted to shake him and tell him to snap out of it! Please God, just give him back to me for one more minute, one more day, one more month, one more year, I will take anything I can get cause the pain of not having the love of my life is killing me….Very, very slowly

Quote from the book - A Three Dog Life

2009-04-01T18:06:00.000-05:00

The future was also the place where bad stuff waited in ambush. My children were embarking on their futures in fragile vessels, and I trembled. I wanted to remove obstacles, smooth their way, I wanted to change their childhoods, I needed to be right all of the time, I wanted them to listen to me, learn from my mistakes and save themselves a lot of grief. Well, now I know I can control my tongue, my temper, and my appetites but that’s it. I have no effect on the weather, traffic or luck. I can’t make good things happen. I can’t keep anybody safe. I can’t influence the future and I can’t fix the past. What a relief.

The rain so fits my mood

2009-03-31T15:56:00.002-05:00

I know y'all have been asking for updates, I just haven't been in the mood to write. Here is just a bit of what's been going on.

Dennis is doing OK, he had several falls last week. He wears his helmet full time but of course he has figured out how to remove it. Due to his falls mainly out of his bed the staff as well as myself have decided to remove his bed. His mattress now lays on the floor up against the wall. It doesn't thrill me but I am willing to try anything for his safety. The staff also arraigned for an additional TV to be brought into the day room so Dennis can watch his move. And yes, Madagascar 2 is still his favorite.

Spring break starts next week. Sam leaves on Friday after school to fly to California and returns on Wednesday. Sara leaves on the 5th (Sunday) to fly here for the week. I am so looking forward to it I can hardly stand it. There will be life in the house again. Her girlfriends stop by every other day to tell me how excited they are for her arrival. Jordan and I sat on the back porch yesterday and made a list of things to do while Sara is here. Let's all pray for good weather.

I am heading out of town on Friday to go visit my niece Rachel and her fiancee Kenny. They live in Panama City, Florida which is about a 4 hour drive from here. Rachel has her bridal portrait on Saturday and wants me there to make sure all goes well. Kind of fun dabbling in the wedding business again. Having some flash backs!

I'll never Find Another You

2009-03-31T15:50:00.002-05:00

I'll never find another you

Someone who moves me like you do

Someone who knows me inside out

A love that'll never let me down

I could search all through this world

But no matter what I do

I'll never find another you

Lyrics by John Rich

SEVERE CLEAR - Life On The Battlefield

2009-03-20T11:05:00.002-05:00

I was sent a link to this film this morning. It features Dennis and his group in Iraq. If you watch the trailer Dennis is in it. He has a mustache and is saying "Yeah Baby". http://www.sirkproductions.com/index_severe.htm

LETTER

2009-03-11T11:43:00.004-05:00

Looking through a box and found the letters that Dennis wrote to me right after we got married on his way to Afganistan. Wanted to share!

________________________________________________

January 10, 2002

Hi Babe,

I wanted to get a letter out to you, mail is going today and I wanted you to have something besides emails. I loved talking to you last night, your morning. I miss looking at you everyday, holding your hand, kissing your lips. I think about our life together, things we will do and accomplish in life. I love being married to you Jean McGrury and am so proud to be your husband. I love that you are my wife. Even though we haven't had much time together as husband and wife I wouldn't change a thing. How much do I love you Jean? Well, I think Mike said it right. He has never seen me smile so much. your love that you give me says I will never love another. I feel so much love that I don't think I will ever stop getting enough. When I feel full I find myself still wanting more. I hope I make sense. What more can I say I LOVE YOU JEAN.

When I get home all I want to do is occupy your time, being with you every minute possible. I have waited a life time to be with you Jean, and I will wait how ever long this Damn deployment takes, as long as it brings me to you. You are my best friend, my soul mate here on earth and when we get to heaven. This love I have been given by you will always burn stronger then anything. I know when I am old and gray that burning flame of love will burn even brighter. I remember when I fell in love with you how strong and exciting it felt, and the most amazing thing is that the love has grown even stronger.

Have to go now and get this in the mail.

All my love always and forever.

Your loving husband,

Dennis

xxxxxxxxxxx

oooooooooooo

Honey Do List!

2009-03-11T08:12:00.003-05:00

OK I have a honey do list a mile long... Just don't know where to start so I am going to make a list and go from there. The weather has turned warm which means the dreaded yard work begins. I did manage to get the pool cleaned so that's a start. Dennis loved doing the yard work and I was happy to let him. Now I know why he wanted to cut down most of the trees but I would not let him. It's a real pain mowing around them and edging but I am thinking positive and it's good exercise!

Michelle and Terry have gone back to California so I am alone again other then the herd of Border Collies. Still enjoy the quiet house, Sam is coming home on Saturday so that should liven up things a bit. My neighbors are having a poker tournament on Saturday night. (I am just going for the food and booze). I did have a good time with the girls. We spent time with Dennis and relaxed a lot. We all went out Saturday night with some of my friends here on the coast. Had a good time and we didn't stay out to late. Fun to do once in awhile but not every weekend.

Sara will be coming to visit for spring break, April 4th - April 11th. Can't wait to see her, not sure if I am going to bring Dennis home for a few days or take Sara to the VA. I will decide as the time gets closer. I don't want to disrupt his routine and care.

That's about all I have for now. I am doing well, trying to stay busy and keep my mind focused. Just taking life day by day and trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. I miss my husband and the life we were suppose to have. I know we will meet again one day and that keeps me at peace...

Outside at the VA looking good with the girls

Michelle, Me and Terry on girls night out